Fuck this shit. I quit. Yes, I need to get this out. Fuck this shit.

Dear daddy, How are you? I miss you so much I didn't know how to tell you. Do you read blogs? I don't even remember you knowing how to use the computer. Why did we never talk more before? You've never told me how was it like for you to be a tall kid at school too. Were you popular at school? Or are you a goody-good two shoes? Or are you by any chance a misfit weirdo like me? Do you like any other girls before mum? Duh, confirm you did. Any of them confessed to you? How did you reject them? Or did you went out with them? Would you break the legs of the guy who broke your precious daughter's heart? Am I even ever your precious daughter? Have you ever thought what would your children be when they grow up? I'm a civil servant aka urban planner aka lousy email-sender now. Would you be proud of me? Oh dad, you have no idea how much I wanted to talk to you now. I'm sorry I've never spend time sitting down properly and talk to you because I wanted to. God knows how sorry I am now. You're the best dad that you could ever be. But I didn't see that until it was too late. Dad, I'm sorry I've never told you I'm proud of you and how much I love you. I didn't know back then as I was too young to understand.Too young to be grateful. Too young to be blessed with your kindness. Wherever you are, Dad. I believe this will reach you somehow as long as I believe. Truth is what you believe isn't it? I love you, daddy.

A lot of times, doing your best still isn't good enough for others.it hurts that you people can't at least see the effort that I put into trying to meet your expectations. It hurts that all you want is for me to become something that I never will be. I'm sorry I can never fit into that mould of expectation. I'm sorry all I am to you people is just a bundle of burden you have to carry on. I'm sorry I can never be a good enough daughter, sister, friend, or even that person who could love you for all your life. I'm sorry I tried to make life happier for everyone, but that isn't the case so. Everything is just one whole big puddle of mess. I'm sorry I can never be good enough at anything for anyone. I'm sorry I don't even have the means to change anything of that.Please just accept my apologies at least.

Old crush memories

I'm here,faraway in this different place. Yet here i am. Thinking about you and wishing nothing more than to just see your face every second. Even an idiot can tell i.m in love with you. I was watching the tv and an old Japanese drama was on rerun; Buzzer Beat. Lead guy was Yamapi, whom i sort of had a celebrity crush on last time. And now i see it, you are a lit like him. All dark, broody, with an amazing smile which you both rarely flash. Yet, behind all those cold exterior, is just a kind-hearted sensitive guy who just yearn for some form of understanding and acceptance from the fellow human kind. I ate the cold turkey and i shall bare with the consequences now. The emotional roller coaster ride that comes with it is expected and i have no one to blame but myself for putting myself through this strain. Love makes one strong. I shall endure this and wait patiently for the right time to come. Yours sincerely, The purple bloat fish.

Of fishy and urchin

Hello, my dear neglected blog. I am glad and thankful that you're still here when the rest of the world are seemingly busy with their lives and no where to be found. Only you stood by faithfully, waiting here, knowing that one day i'll need to dump all my frustration on you again. I've been thinking that my prince charming is a fish all these while. Instead, along came an urchin and created all the stormy waves in the sea instead. The urchin, as we know, is a precious and highly sought-after sea creature for all seafood lovers. Such a luxurious creature, how do I, a mere buggy-eyed purple bloat fish attain it? I don't.. But alas, the urchin sticks to the bloat fish on his own accord. Urchin's charm is undeniable. Bloat fish could see why so many other sea creatures are captured by that very charm. Urchin is very nice to bloat fish too; giving care and attention to bloat fish like how a gentlefish should. But like a typical fishy tale, there's always a catch. In this sea, urchin has a girlfriend. Bloat fish is confused. Urchin said that he and his gf are good together. But he continues to ask for bloat fish everyday. Bloat fish is very confused. Have you ever wondered, for every person who confessed their feelings to you, how many others out there who likes you but never told you so? And out of those people, how many more would be hurt by your actions without you even meaning to? Urchin, you're nothing but trouble. You have spikes all over your body which hurts people who dares to go near you. But urchin, you're the one who came close to me. I stayed because you look too lonely by yourself, hoping to be friends with someone ehow doesn't mind your spikes. But urchin, do you have any idea how harsh it is to stand by anxiety be poked by your spikes and yet still have to smile brightly to you, while my blood is flowing out of the cuts I got from being too near you?

It's raining outside..

Second time of the weekend I woke up totally pass morning, totally like a bum.

Not because I want to lie in, but because I NEED to do so. Why? Because I can't find anything better to do. There is lots to do, but I couldn't find the will and strength to, didn't want to wake up to only the sound of fan spinning around at home.

Most peopl I hanged out with are back to Muar over the weekend, others already had their own plans. The other non-Muarian gangs? Who? Where?

The truth is, I hate to admit this and it hurts when I'm finally be able to admit this, I think they threw me away. They still meet up and gather from time to time, but just without me in the equation.

I dunno where and what went wrong. I've tried picking my brains tiniest drop of juice to think of why, but all I can conclude is, I just wasn't that likeable right from the start. It was always me who latched onto them unshamefully.

I tried to not let it bother me, tell others that it really doesn;t, tell myself it really doesn't. But we all know, you can fool the whole world but you can't fool yourself. How much does it hurt really? To suddenly came to enlightenment that people who you have cherished and thought they cherished you too all these years, actually viewed you nothing as more than a piece of baggage they carry along. One that speaks too much and irritates the hell out of them at times. One they can't feel more than relieved to finally get off of their backs.

Perhaps, everyone could pretend everything is fine if I latch myself to them unshamefully once again, just like how it used to be. But like I say, who am I to fool but myself? I couldn't lie to myself anymore, thus, I couldn't put on an act and be all happy and bubbly in front of them anymore. How could you truly enjoy yourself in the company of people who you know they don't really like you? Kudos to you for being able to do so.


It's raining outside now. Should I just crawl back into my bed and shut myself out from this damn screw-up world?

Merry Christmas from..

The depths of my bed. Yeah, Merry Christmas to all.

Perhaps, this might be the way i will be spending christmas in many more years to come. Preferably without all the sneezing and coughing.

Dear world, there are a lot of good things and bad things (very very bad things) happening outside there. In comparison, i am in really fortunate place with a shelter and warm blanket and food to fill up my stomach. But why, don't i just feel warm and fuzzy inside?

You and i both know the answer.

If christmas wishes do come true, you and i both know what i would wish for this year, previous years and every other single year.

Merry christmas to all.