Why am I always the bad one in the family? Why?

Why can't I even joke about things without being judged?

Why can't I be myself anymore?

I don't need you to understand me and whatever I do.

It's fine that you couldn't be there for me all the time when I need you.

It's even fine when you pay more attention to the others than me.

Yes, I am a huge blob of mess sometimes but you didn't even notice didn't you?

Do you know how many times I have loss countless of sleep troubled by things I couldn't share with anyone?

Do you know how many times I think life is meaningless and just want to end it all?

Do you know how many times I continued to act like a fool because that makes you notice me and I feel that I am alive afterall?

Do you even know how sick I am?

No you don't. Maybe you do and you pretend you don't. Because no one else seems to know or care.

But rest assured. I promised myself I shall not succumb to the same abyss anymore. I have stop the self-destructive ways for awhile and I am determined to keep it that way. All by myself.

I am your daughter. That's what I am.

The Nomad

Home. A place which gives you comfort and shelter, safe from everything else outside.

Room. Where you rest and relax in your own comfort zone, away from all your troubles.

I had neither here now. You don't know how hard it is to live a nomad life. To keep moving every few weeks and so. Staying over at people's places.

Yes, these people are very kind and offered me a place to stay with I couldn't be more grateful for. But afterall, it is still not my place. I am given a room to stay in now, but I feel shameful to even call it "my room" everytime I refer to it when I talk to other people.

Sept 16 seems so far away. It might be a few days. But it is a torture. No, they did not mistreat me or anything like that. In fact, it was just the opposite. They are more than nice to me.

But it is still depressing, when my own mother personally asked me to go stay with other people, and couldn't care more about it. All she care about is I should never say I want to marry an old rich guy and all that crap, even if it's only for fun.

What?!

I want to run away. Far far away. What difference does it makes? I am all over the place now. Don't come looking for me when I am gone.

No turning back..

Tried as I may, I couldn't bluff myself anymore that this is what I really want to do. No, construction related stuff is not my thing. It's too late to sigh now though. I envy people who has the courage to turn back and change the course they took when they are already so near the finishing point, just because they didn't want to reach the finishing point at all. No, I can't bluff anymore. How I skived so much during intern and learned nothing at all should have said as much. How just the thought of writing that damned report sends me to a bout of depression needs no further explanation. No, I do not hate writing report in general, just that bloody report- because I have no idea what I have learned so far.

If I can't be happy about my studies now, how can I be happy when I started work later? nothing else matters to me now. How I wish I could just put everything behind me and just run away. Far far away and never stopping, never turning back, never have to face all these again.

But this is not an ideal work. I can't just turn around and run away..

I'm a horrible writer. Academically anyway. 2000 words of report? How the hell am I suppose to achieve that? I can easily whip up stories or fics more than 2000 words but formal academic writing? Not a chance in the world if my life depended on it. Unless I kop other people's report and use it to my own advantage. Which I am going ot do anyway. Screw reports. Why write long boring reports where no one really cares or want to read? Maybe uni life full of report isn't for me anyways...Screw it. Screw everything!

A rainy day..

I must be crazy. What the heck am I thinking?

Well, to be fair it wasn't like it wasn't unpleasant or anything like that. Far from that, it is nice and comfy and everything. But the awkwardness, gosh, the awkwardness!

And how I am more troublesome than I think. God, let August 27 arrive fast.

And then I can start figuring out where to hide my face after that..

If I have a boyfriend all even anyone I like now, do you think I would still be so obssessed with this?

Confessions of a closet fangirl: nemology rocks.

The Great East Sea

WARNING: This post is strictly for benign Super Junior fans(*i scared malicious fangirls*) or those who are just plain bored and doesn't mind not understanding 70% of the content of this post.


It's been a while since I update. Besides being occupied with internship that I hardly have enough time to go online now, my mind is completely occupied by something (or should I say someone?) else.





Meet my new obessesion

Lee Donghae from Super Junior.

Well, technically I'm still obssessed with the entire Super Junior. But recently this Fishy just somehow managed to charm his way into my heart (Gah! see how he's even making me say all this mushy stuff now??!) even though he's usually not in the main spot light.

And we all know Kyuhyun used to be on top of my list, until I saw videos of Kibum. Then that man-whore Leeteuk seduces me with his dimple. Then I ease my guilt for being such a flutter heart by making a list of top 5. And it went like this:

1. Kibum

2.Kyuhyun

3.Leeteuk

4.Eunhyuk

5.Donghae

Donghae was like somehow there just to round up my list of top 5. I never gave him much thought until recently where it's suddenly

1.Donghae

1.Donghae

1.Donghae

1.Donghae

2. Kyuhyun, Eunhyuk, Ryeowook, Kibum

1.Donghae

I've no idea how. Might be the adorable puppy eyes, or the toothy grins, or the cheesy "亲爱的宝贝们" he said whenever he's promoting for SJM, or even this short but hillarious video where he got prank.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWvGR7zpeHE His sleeping form right before he got splashed is just so *angelic*. (melts a little)

Gah! I feel like a squeaky 14-year-old teenage fangirl now! What's wrong with me?!