Old crush memories

I'm here,faraway in this different place. Yet here i am. Thinking about you and wishing nothing more than to just see your face every second. Even an idiot can tell i.m in love with you. I was watching the tv and an old Japanese drama was on rerun; Buzzer Beat. Lead guy was Yamapi, whom i sort of had a celebrity crush on last time. And now i see it, you are a lit like him. All dark, broody, with an amazing smile which you both rarely flash. Yet, behind all those cold exterior, is just a kind-hearted sensitive guy who just yearn for some form of understanding and acceptance from the fellow human kind. I ate the cold turkey and i shall bare with the consequences now. The emotional roller coaster ride that comes with it is expected and i have no one to blame but myself for putting myself through this strain. Love makes one strong. I shall endure this and wait patiently for the right time to come. Yours sincerely, The purple bloat fish.

Of fishy and urchin

Hello, my dear neglected blog. I am glad and thankful that you're still here when the rest of the world are seemingly busy with their lives and no where to be found. Only you stood by faithfully, waiting here, knowing that one day i'll need to dump all my frustration on you again. I've been thinking that my prince charming is a fish all these while. Instead, along came an urchin and created all the stormy waves in the sea instead. The urchin, as we know, is a precious and highly sought-after sea creature for all seafood lovers. Such a luxurious creature, how do I, a mere buggy-eyed purple bloat fish attain it? I don't.. But alas, the urchin sticks to the bloat fish on his own accord. Urchin's charm is undeniable. Bloat fish could see why so many other sea creatures are captured by that very charm. Urchin is very nice to bloat fish too; giving care and attention to bloat fish like how a gentlefish should. But like a typical fishy tale, there's always a catch. In this sea, urchin has a girlfriend. Bloat fish is confused. Urchin said that he and his gf are good together. But he continues to ask for bloat fish everyday. Bloat fish is very confused. Have you ever wondered, for every person who confessed their feelings to you, how many others out there who likes you but never told you so? And out of those people, how many more would be hurt by your actions without you even meaning to? Urchin, you're nothing but trouble. You have spikes all over your body which hurts people who dares to go near you. But urchin, you're the one who came close to me. I stayed because you look too lonely by yourself, hoping to be friends with someone ehow doesn't mind your spikes. But urchin, do you have any idea how harsh it is to stand by anxiety be poked by your spikes and yet still have to smile brightly to you, while my blood is flowing out of the cuts I got from being too near you?

It's raining outside..

Second time of the weekend I woke up totally pass morning, totally like a bum.

Not because I want to lie in, but because I NEED to do so. Why? Because I can't find anything better to do. There is lots to do, but I couldn't find the will and strength to, didn't want to wake up to only the sound of fan spinning around at home.

Most peopl I hanged out with are back to Muar over the weekend, others already had their own plans. The other non-Muarian gangs? Who? Where?

The truth is, I hate to admit this and it hurts when I'm finally be able to admit this, I think they threw me away. They still meet up and gather from time to time, but just without me in the equation.

I dunno where and what went wrong. I've tried picking my brains tiniest drop of juice to think of why, but all I can conclude is, I just wasn't that likeable right from the start. It was always me who latched onto them unshamefully.

I tried to not let it bother me, tell others that it really doesn;t, tell myself it really doesn't. But we all know, you can fool the whole world but you can't fool yourself. How much does it hurt really? To suddenly came to enlightenment that people who you have cherished and thought they cherished you too all these years, actually viewed you nothing as more than a piece of baggage they carry along. One that speaks too much and irritates the hell out of them at times. One they can't feel more than relieved to finally get off of their backs.

Perhaps, everyone could pretend everything is fine if I latch myself to them unshamefully once again, just like how it used to be. But like I say, who am I to fool but myself? I couldn't lie to myself anymore, thus, I couldn't put on an act and be all happy and bubbly in front of them anymore. How could you truly enjoy yourself in the company of people who you know they don't really like you? Kudos to you for being able to do so.


It's raining outside now. Should I just crawl back into my bed and shut myself out from this damn screw-up world?

Merry Christmas from..

The depths of my bed. Yeah, Merry Christmas to all.

Perhaps, this might be the way i will be spending christmas in many more years to come. Preferably without all the sneezing and coughing.

Dear world, there are a lot of good things and bad things (very very bad things) happening outside there. In comparison, i am in really fortunate place with a shelter and warm blanket and food to fill up my stomach. But why, don't i just feel warm and fuzzy inside?

You and i both know the answer.

If christmas wishes do come true, you and i both know what i would wish for this year, previous years and every other single year.

Merry christmas to all.

The same old broken story

Well, here we go again.
I fell back into the old pattern. Even when I tried so hard to prevent it. After being in denial for all this while, finallly admitting, only to be crushed all over again.
I guess another piece of my heart is broken again today, and i'm not sure it'll ever heal back. It's not like I haven't expected it to end this way, but it still hurt.
I might not be tearing on the outside, but inside i'm bleeding profusely.
It doesn't matter though. All I have to do is pull on my happy mask again as usual and no one will notice anything wrong. Those who do will just pretend they don't anyway.
After all, i'm living up to my happy name....

Inner peace..

Shall be careful not to fall back into the same pattern again. I've been up on the mountain and has been peaceful for so long. Time to dig out my brains and stop indulging in wistful thoughts.

No, eye-candy. You are merely just a pretty face. A pretty face which wears off after 3(or more it seems) days. However, an ugly face takes 3 (or more it seems too) days to get used to. So, no, beautiful things doesn't last....

No, I shall submerge myself deeper into the sea with my fishy and not get distracted by you. I don't want to go back to emo, disappointed and frustrated again.

Sorry, cute guy. You are cute but my heart can't afford the heartache again.

Trailing back up the mountains..

Choose happiness....

Hello, emo place. It's been a while.. Sorry, i've neglected you for so long. You see, it's because i am in a contented phase in my life now. Well, not really contented like contented-with-what-i've-achieved-in-life but more like contented-with-everything-i-have-and how-things-are-in-my-life-now. In other words, you see, i've learned to appreciate my life.

Up until now, i've been complaining and complaining and complaining how my life sucks. Every little thing that went wrong, life sucks. Until i came across this little book, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". I haven't finished reading it but the rich dad told the poor kid that life is forever going to be pushing you around, you either let it push you around or find away to push it back instead of blaming everything else that went wrong. Suddenly, everything that Mum has been telling me about being grateful and accepting finally sinks in- enlightenment.

I know now, instead of grumbling grumbling and grumbling, i could take time and enjoy the things i do instead, even if i don't like it. Always think of the bright side of life~ That familiar verse in a song. Simple, but not that simple to truly grasp the concept. Once you have though, the world suddenly seems like not such a bad place after all.

Happiness is a state of mind. One can be happy as long as one allows self to be. We have lived in the modern age where "emo" is the new "cool" that we have forgotten we really can just let ourselves to be happy and just forget about being "cool". So, instead of appreciating the little joys in life, we find faults with little details in our lives and grumble about it to our friends. Suddenly, sharing pains becomes the new socializing... No one likes someone who is forever happy and worry-free about their life, there's a sadist somehow deep down inside in everyone where we wanna see others suffer and doing worse than us in order for us to feel good about ourselves. Selfish.

I have been living the same mundane life lately ever since work. Same old routine travel to office, 8.30-5.30 tedious and monotonous work, travel back home, eat, tv, maybe cook a little, jamming in my room, youtube, shower, then sleep. Repeat every weekday. Pepper with occasional dinner with friends. Weekends are either spent lazing around at home or catching up with some friends and shopping. Yada yada yada...

But the big difference? First few weeks were like a horrible nightmare which i couldn't wait to wake up from. That's when i kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I didn't realise i was the one who let all these "sufferings" be. I was the one who chose this bloody course to study. I was the one who chose this bloody job to take. I am the lazy ass that didn't do a thing to make a change about it when i hated it so much. All I am is a grumpy old complaining coward who refuses to help herself.

Well, now i realise. Grumbling only make things worse. Can't change the thing you don't like? Then change yourselves. I took liberty of the somber silent in the office to think things through. What i wanna do in life and what i really am. And pieces started to fit together. And now i am enjoying every moment in my life, no matter how bloody boring it is to everyone else. Hell yeah, i am allowed to be happy with my boring life don't I? There's nothing like jamming around in your underwear to your favourite music inside your own room, with your reflection on the tinted window as your only jamming partner.

And boyfriends? Lots of people looked at me weirdly when i tell them i am still single. It used to bug me before. Why the hell am i still single when everyone else is getting attached? And-excuse me for the lack of modesty- but i really don't think i did any bad in the looks department. If anything, i think i'm slightly more towards the "hot" scale. XP. But that's where the problem is too. If my appearance is not the problem, then what the hell is wrong with me? It hurts more to know that no one wants you because you are a bad person than because you are ugly. And all the self-bashing just started to surface. Everything went downhill until all i saw when i look into the mirror is an ugly old hag with rotten insides. Then emo, then depressed...

Well, no longer anymore i shall allow the self-pity. The problem, is really not with me. Fate works in a funny way sometimes. It's so busy it tends to forget some people. Or it could just like to skip over certain random people at random turns. And i just happened to be that turn all the time. Oh wells...the point is, i realise i don't need to be in a relationship to define who i am. Nor am i a better person if i have a boyfriend, or worse if i don't. I need to be happy with who i am myself before i can be happy with anyone else. It doesn't mean i wanna be single all my life, no, contrary, i still do wanna get attached. But i realise all these while, i am just in love with the idea of being in love instead of really loving or even liking anyone. So now, i am just going to enjoy and be proud of being boyfriend-less, taking the liberty of being single and doing all the things i can do alone, until my fish charming comes swimming by one day. He might never come at all, but at least i don't spend my life being miserable waiting for him to appear....

So, in conclusion, for the first time in a long time, i can truly say i am happy at this moment. This is a happiness that is not dependent on any family, friends, or material. Rather, it is a state of mind where i enjoy and appreciate everything right at this moment; learning to see the beauty in life. All it takes to realise this is a few pages from an international best-selling book, and a Saturday morning encounter-where i was at my lowest point being all sad and depressed- with a cat which tries to jump up the fence. Watching the cat bend its legs, hesitating to take the leap several times, stretching and unstretching again and again, before finally taking the leap is just too funny. And i laughed out loud. And just like that i understand. Life can be a complicated journey, but it doesn't take much to be happy. We will eventually reach the end somehow, but we can always choose to laugh our way there and make things easier.

Have a good day everyone. =)