Inner peace..

Shall be careful not to fall back into the same pattern again. I've been up on the mountain and has been peaceful for so long. Time to dig out my brains and stop indulging in wistful thoughts.

No, eye-candy. You are merely just a pretty face. A pretty face which wears off after 3(or more it seems) days. However, an ugly face takes 3 (or more it seems too) days to get used to. So, no, beautiful things doesn't last....

No, I shall submerge myself deeper into the sea with my fishy and not get distracted by you. I don't want to go back to emo, disappointed and frustrated again.

Sorry, cute guy. You are cute but my heart can't afford the heartache again.

Trailing back up the mountains..

Choose happiness....

Hello, emo place. It's been a while.. Sorry, i've neglected you for so long. You see, it's because i am in a contented phase in my life now. Well, not really contented like contented-with-what-i've-achieved-in-life but more like contented-with-everything-i-have-and how-things-are-in-my-life-now. In other words, you see, i've learned to appreciate my life.

Up until now, i've been complaining and complaining and complaining how my life sucks. Every little thing that went wrong, life sucks. Until i came across this little book, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". I haven't finished reading it but the rich dad told the poor kid that life is forever going to be pushing you around, you either let it push you around or find away to push it back instead of blaming everything else that went wrong. Suddenly, everything that Mum has been telling me about being grateful and accepting finally sinks in- enlightenment.

I know now, instead of grumbling grumbling and grumbling, i could take time and enjoy the things i do instead, even if i don't like it. Always think of the bright side of life~ That familiar verse in a song. Simple, but not that simple to truly grasp the concept. Once you have though, the world suddenly seems like not such a bad place after all.

Happiness is a state of mind. One can be happy as long as one allows self to be. We have lived in the modern age where "emo" is the new "cool" that we have forgotten we really can just let ourselves to be happy and just forget about being "cool". So, instead of appreciating the little joys in life, we find faults with little details in our lives and grumble about it to our friends. Suddenly, sharing pains becomes the new socializing... No one likes someone who is forever happy and worry-free about their life, there's a sadist somehow deep down inside in everyone where we wanna see others suffer and doing worse than us in order for us to feel good about ourselves. Selfish.

I have been living the same mundane life lately ever since work. Same old routine travel to office, 8.30-5.30 tedious and monotonous work, travel back home, eat, tv, maybe cook a little, jamming in my room, youtube, shower, then sleep. Repeat every weekday. Pepper with occasional dinner with friends. Weekends are either spent lazing around at home or catching up with some friends and shopping. Yada yada yada...

But the big difference? First few weeks were like a horrible nightmare which i couldn't wait to wake up from. That's when i kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I didn't realise i was the one who let all these "sufferings" be. I was the one who chose this bloody course to study. I was the one who chose this bloody job to take. I am the lazy ass that didn't do a thing to make a change about it when i hated it so much. All I am is a grumpy old complaining coward who refuses to help herself.

Well, now i realise. Grumbling only make things worse. Can't change the thing you don't like? Then change yourselves. I took liberty of the somber silent in the office to think things through. What i wanna do in life and what i really am. And pieces started to fit together. And now i am enjoying every moment in my life, no matter how bloody boring it is to everyone else. Hell yeah, i am allowed to be happy with my boring life don't I? There's nothing like jamming around in your underwear to your favourite music inside your own room, with your reflection on the tinted window as your only jamming partner.

And boyfriends? Lots of people looked at me weirdly when i tell them i am still single. It used to bug me before. Why the hell am i still single when everyone else is getting attached? And-excuse me for the lack of modesty- but i really don't think i did any bad in the looks department. If anything, i think i'm slightly more towards the "hot" scale. XP. But that's where the problem is too. If my appearance is not the problem, then what the hell is wrong with me? It hurts more to know that no one wants you because you are a bad person than because you are ugly. And all the self-bashing just started to surface. Everything went downhill until all i saw when i look into the mirror is an ugly old hag with rotten insides. Then emo, then depressed...

Well, no longer anymore i shall allow the self-pity. The problem, is really not with me. Fate works in a funny way sometimes. It's so busy it tends to forget some people. Or it could just like to skip over certain random people at random turns. And i just happened to be that turn all the time. Oh wells...the point is, i realise i don't need to be in a relationship to define who i am. Nor am i a better person if i have a boyfriend, or worse if i don't. I need to be happy with who i am myself before i can be happy with anyone else. It doesn't mean i wanna be single all my life, no, contrary, i still do wanna get attached. But i realise all these while, i am just in love with the idea of being in love instead of really loving or even liking anyone. So now, i am just going to enjoy and be proud of being boyfriend-less, taking the liberty of being single and doing all the things i can do alone, until my fish charming comes swimming by one day. He might never come at all, but at least i don't spend my life being miserable waiting for him to appear....

So, in conclusion, for the first time in a long time, i can truly say i am happy at this moment. This is a happiness that is not dependent on any family, friends, or material. Rather, it is a state of mind where i enjoy and appreciate everything right at this moment; learning to see the beauty in life. All it takes to realise this is a few pages from an international best-selling book, and a Saturday morning encounter-where i was at my lowest point being all sad and depressed- with a cat which tries to jump up the fence. Watching the cat bend its legs, hesitating to take the leap several times, stretching and unstretching again and again, before finally taking the leap is just too funny. And i laughed out loud. And just like that i understand. Life can be a complicated journey, but it doesn't take much to be happy. We will eventually reach the end somehow, but we can always choose to laugh our way there and make things easier.

Have a good day everyone. =)

RRAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Why is luck always not on my side???? Why is always all these lame stuffs always ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME??! FML!!! I officially hate booking air tickets.. Blooody.

I was happily going out alone today.. Ok, not happily but at least i try to not lament at my own pity lonely self and tried to have fun, even i was alone. Eat alone, walked alone, compensated with awarding myself 2 cups of fat-filled gong cha to stop the self-pity. Was happy, really quite happy even as I got lost walking a few times around the city. A little imagination and the gong cha's in hand got my spirit up...

Finally came to a decision to book the flights tonight, after procrastinating for so long. Because i was considering the budget, date and everything. Nearly cracked my skull in two deciding whether i should book. And when i finally, finally confirmed the booking, YOU JUST HAVE TO RUIN IT DON'T YOU??? LIKE FREAKING 5 MINUTES RIGHT AFTER IT!!! FML FML FML FML FMLTTM!!!!!!!!

Screw everything. Screw it. I'm sick and tired of this shit. FUCK! ARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Leave my brain alone!!! I'm going to destroy something! RAHHHHHHH!!!!! I HATE MAKING DECISION. DON'T MAKE ME DECIDE!!!!!!!!!

go on. i'm being mean to u. hate me with all ur might. i'm not as nice as u think. u mess with the wrong person. although it's nice to have the honour. but it's time u realise who i really am.

i think everything kinda exploded. i'm so sorry. it went out of control. it's my fault. me myself all along. i'm foolish to deceive myself. let's put it to an end. i'm so sorry. i fell for u first. u had any idea how hard it is to type out the previous sentence?

happiness is a state of mind. as long as i accept i could be doomed to singlehood forever, i'll be able to live happily. i will no longer harbour any hopes. i can't believe it has become like this. i wish you would never find out. and continue to live happily ever after..

Do you really not know your own charms? Your friend is right when she said she could have fell for you if you continued... I know because, so do I. You might be playing alright. But it's dangerous. And it could burn bridges. Next time, pick on other targets. Because lonely souls are too easy to be played....

Why do i feel this way...

It's hard to not feel the pain. I feel it every once in a while, every so often, every time it hurts more than the previous one. It was masked with a smile, forgotten momentarily with a happy event, only to be stirred to the surface again when I'm left all alone.

You might ask me why do I feel this way? For that, I have no answer for you. It is just there, you see? Some things never changes.