Clarity.

I've made up my mind. If you insist on being such an asshole, then I shouldn't care anymore.

I shall retain my last shred of dignity.

Picking up pieces from here and moving on. And I shall start with M&E.

I hate you.

But I hate myself more.

And I hate you for making me hating myself more.

Ivan..

Amidst all the chaos in my head, I'm glad that I have at least someone to talk to. Someone who can sense my distress without me telling him. Someone who offered a ear when I most need it.

Thanks to you I am feeling a bit better now. I shall buck up and survive this gruesome sem then.

On another note, Him sucks. I should have known better when he reminded me of someone who is not much better too. I've learn my lesson now. No more will I believe in anyone that easily.

On the road to recovery then....

P/S: Happy Birthday, Ivan! What a wonderful friend I am. Actually forgot about your birthday until a certain banshee told me.

of crying and wasabi..

When you feel like crying, but you can't or you just simply won't, have some wasabi green peas. Real HOT wasabi green peas.

Satisfying to the soul.

But HOT straight to your nose!!!

Home's the love

The trip back to Muar was a blast.

Food, mahjong, mum, sis, food, more food, vi vian, chareli, suz, hui yi, chiau wei, massage, food and more food.

With the exception of a stupid haircut.

The song that you like..

For the longest of time, I'm falling in love with uverworld over and over again. They've been with me through thick and thin, happy and sad. They are the only thing that is constant in my life now, putting a smile on my face everytime without failure.

Kimi no suki na uta is probably my favourite song of them. It is the only few rare ballad from Uverworld and though it did not sound as wicked as the others like Chance, Gekidou, or even Sora, it is the combination of beautiful lyrics, melancholy melody, and romantic ambience in the video that won me over. Mind you too a song so romantic came from a band that generally belted out rock songs, mostly about life and other more "chim" themes. I swear everytime I see the scene of Takuya singing with the string quartet behind him I totally melt. If a guy is to sing so beautifully to me, I would die without much regrets. *dreamy sighs*. Words just can't describe how wonderful I feel listening to them each time.

"without being able to say i love you, i said goodbye to you".

Perhaps, that is the lyric that I can most relate to. Somehow, I can just never be honest with my own feelings; denying over and over again, deceiving everyone including myself. I wonder why so. Maybe it's because I feel weak and vulnerable to show my fragile emotions to the others. The prospect of opening up to others frightens me sometimes. So, unconciously I built this facade to shield everything from leaking outside, except for the very few people who I can truly talk to. Overtime, I've just become withdrawn and untrusting to others, especially guys.

And maybe that is the answer for mum's question all this while, "Why haven't you got a boyfriend yet?". It's not what she thought at all. Not because I'm picky. Not because no one picks me (how little faith she has in her daughter..-_-"'). It's because I couldn't bring myself close enough to the potentials.

All chance is not lost though. I certainly will if someone as hot as Takuya sings so beautifully to me. ;)

So, till that day, I'll still continue melting over Takuya's awesome-ness. =D

Judgemental

Saw this in Kenny's blog:

Quote of the day: “Of all the traits I hate most about people, I think being judgmental takes the cake. I will put all the effort in the world to not judge people anymore, and all I’m asking in return is for everyone to do the same too.” -Suet Li

I am sorry to have judged you way too early. Repaying it now, although you can't see it.

Must do stuffs during recess week

Just in case I am too caught up with slacking and the random thoughts in my head.

1. Material Tech - lab report

2. M&E project - study the drawings

3.Research Method - compile the contacts

4. Study - research method, M&E, Cost Estimating, MEASUREMENT!!

5. Source for laundry shop

6. Print pictures and buy photo frames

7. SEP study plan, bank statement

8. Study, do tutorial

9. Stop waiting and feeling guilty

10. Meet up with the dearies. =)

11. More study

Ok, so far that's the list. Hoping the rate of cancelation will be high. Hoping my restraint is strong enough.

continuation of random thoughts in my head.

i screwed my 20%. karma for not studying.

productions performance's fun. but it's still wasn't flawless.

i had fun with the girls' outing to HV after productions.

somehow i am still waiting, for "the talk".

lots of laundry to wash tomorrow.

i really really need to sleep now.

i'll be getting up real late tomorrow.

Random trail of thoughts

I was wrong all along. About everything.

Spidey's missing. Now my nike running shoes got stolen too.

I'm still not readied for exam yet.

I hope we will perform better in productions show tomorrow.

I am sad. If only things would go right and we get back to talking mode again.

Recess week is up, but it shall be filled with work, study and more work.

I'm worried about SEP. Very worried.

I still wish he would talk to me again, just like before. Because I do feel guilty, and a little bit ashamed.

To a certain banshee...

Gaahhh. Why did I just have to asked that? A moment of folly? Anger? Buey song? Curious? Or just to act cool???

Now can tell he is scared to talk to me liao. But at least we got it out of our way.

Did I regret it? I don't know. Partly yes and partly no I guess. But then if given a chance I would have phrased it very differently, and perhaps not asked it that early.

See lah. The things I do for you, you banshee!!!!

Why do I always have to do the dirty job anyway???

Floods of memories...

Him: The game's tomorrow. Come down and support us?
Me: Hmmm..I'd love to but there's a meeting at night and I've got tons to do lar. You jiayou then, ok?
Him: Aww..You come down to support then I can jiayou more lah~~
Me: *blink blink, smile stupidly*.. Err...yeah.

"You come down to support then I can jiayou more lah."

The sentence brought back a flood of memories in my head. It was like being transported back in time. I could even see what shade of blue the sky was that day. That was why I was completely stunned and could only came out with such a retarded reply.

That's exactly what The He had said to me once. I went. And he did gave his all in the game; scoring again and again, grabbing all the limelights out of his counterparts. I saw the looks he gave me everytime he scored, and knew he did "jiayou more". I showed nothing on the outside, but inside i was all fluttery. It was very difficult to keep a straight face.

Too bad, that's only as good as things got; a series of heartache followed. It's still painful for me sometimes. Innocent words like that trigger memories I'm trying so hard to forget.

Back to present. I told Him I'm not going at the end. I did have loads to work on. I hope they'll win though.

Why am I writing this again when I have loads to work on?

p/s: Him is not who you think he is. Him is just a very normal friend I've only just gotten to know recently.

Update: They lost, at the last moment. Him is sad. We talked. Too bad. No finals then. =(

Too much to hold...

Shit. Isit just me? Why is everyone very stress and panicking now? It has never been like this before, where everywhere you go you either see a tired, shag, or slightly manic face around.

I am so panicking on my own too. What with the number of practices and rehearses added to my previous list of things-to-do next week. I still havn't gotten hold of Measurement, Cost Estimating, M&E, and Research Method too. I only have a slight idea on Material Tech because I'll be having the 20% mid-term next week.

But I don't walk around looking like someone who's about to go mad anytime, right? Or maybe I do. Better go check the mirrors....

Anyway, I realised everyone in my course has already started studying and doing their homework. Heck, even people like James is doing his tutorial and studying properly. I'm still grasping around at thin air like it is still holiday. Not doing my tutorial, not even knowing what on earth the lectures are all about.

I really hare myself now for taking up too many things for my poor hands to hold. Things are slipping through my grasp one-by-one despite me trying desperately to hold on to them tight.

I want to runaway. But where can I go? Won't I just end up in a deeper pile of shit if I do?

I should be studying now. But I really can't concentrate with a state of mind like this.

How I wish I have Dumbledore's pensieve to discard some worries off my head now...

Edit: I have a confession to make. A certain him is occupying my thoughts for a little currently. But like I said, I have too much going on up there for more of that.

Tell me how to survive this...

Schedule for week 6 (16th-20th feb):

Monday- Food Festival judging at Bukit Timah campus (whole day gone)
Tuesday-group meeting
Wednesday- Productions rehearsal (whole day gone, probably have to spend the night in there)
Thursday - Food Festival games day (whole day), Productions show (night gone)
Friday- 20% Material Technology mid-term (which i havn't touched a single thing), Productions show (2nd night gone), and a stupid alumni poster to submit

Note: 1. All the above excludes the usual lessons to attend, project and tutorial works to do,
acapella practice for production, and other normal CCA's to attend.
2. Week 5 is full of shits like CCA's (Food Festival, acapella practice, Photocomm,) and 4
weeks worth of schoolwork to catch up

Tell me how to survive this without resorting to being the baddie and push away some of the works to others. I still say Hiro Nakamura's my best solution but let's be real for now. Maybe I should skip another 2 weeks of school?

Sorry people but it's time to unleash the mean bitch in me....

Officially an idiot....

I think I'm an idiot. I've just wasted the oppoturnity that I've been fighting so hard for!!!

Why did I have to make myself sound so much like I don't need it?
Why can't I just speak properly at the crucial moment?
Why do I have to realize so late what I should've really said?

Omg. I hate me and my darn mouth which really can't perform when I sooooooo need it too.

Sayonara to my $1000 then...=(

Guess I'll have to start looking for jobs now. But with the recession now, I think the best place to start would be Geylang.

Sigh~~~ Anyone knows of any horny old fag???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I.HATE.SCHOOL.

Right now, at least.

CNY this year is so fabulous-tastic that I would never ever want it to end. Think of all the glorious food. Think of all the happy-smiley faces. Think of all the warm-welcomes during pai-nian.Think of the uber-cool and comfy places the relatives have to provide, some kicking the 5-star hotels' asses with no problem. *Sigh*. 6 days is just so not enough.

I turn around and look at my current room. Books and strewn notes on the table. Dirty laundry. Next week's schedule.

*headtables headtables*

Hiro Nakamura, where are you????