Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas from..

The depths of my bed. Yeah, Merry Christmas to all.

Perhaps, this might be the way i will be spending christmas in many more years to come. Preferably without all the sneezing and coughing.

Dear world, there are a lot of good things and bad things (very very bad things) happening outside there. In comparison, i am in really fortunate place with a shelter and warm blanket and food to fill up my stomach. But why, don't i just feel warm and fuzzy inside?

You and i both know the answer.

If christmas wishes do come true, you and i both know what i would wish for this year, previous years and every other single year.

Merry christmas to all.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The same old broken story

Well, here we go again.
I fell back into the old pattern. Even when I tried so hard to prevent it. After being in denial for all this while, finallly admitting, only to be crushed all over again.
I guess another piece of my heart is broken again today, and i'm not sure it'll ever heal back. It's not like I haven't expected it to end this way, but it still hurt.
I might not be tearing on the outside, but inside i'm bleeding profusely.
It doesn't matter though. All I have to do is pull on my happy mask again as usual and no one will notice anything wrong. Those who do will just pretend they don't anyway.
After all, i'm living up to my happy name....

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Inner peace..

Shall be careful not to fall back into the same pattern again. I've been up on the mountain and has been peaceful for so long. Time to dig out my brains and stop indulging in wistful thoughts.

No, eye-candy. You are merely just a pretty face. A pretty face which wears off after 3(or more it seems) days. However, an ugly face takes 3 (or more it seems too) days to get used to. So, no, beautiful things doesn't last....

No, I shall submerge myself deeper into the sea with my fishy and not get distracted by you. I don't want to go back to emo, disappointed and frustrated again.

Sorry, cute guy. You are cute but my heart can't afford the heartache again.

Trailing back up the mountains..

Monday, September 19, 2011

Choose happiness....

Hello, emo place. It's been a while.. Sorry, i've neglected you for so long. You see, it's because i am in a contented phase in my life now. Well, not really contented like contented-with-what-i've-achieved-in-life but more like contented-with-everything-i-have-and how-things-are-in-my-life-now. In other words, you see, i've learned to appreciate my life.

Up until now, i've been complaining and complaining and complaining how my life sucks. Every little thing that went wrong, life sucks. Until i came across this little book, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". I haven't finished reading it but the rich dad told the poor kid that life is forever going to be pushing you around, you either let it push you around or find away to push it back instead of blaming everything else that went wrong. Suddenly, everything that Mum has been telling me about being grateful and accepting finally sinks in- enlightenment.

I know now, instead of grumbling grumbling and grumbling, i could take time and enjoy the things i do instead, even if i don't like it. Always think of the bright side of life~ That familiar verse in a song. Simple, but not that simple to truly grasp the concept. Once you have though, the world suddenly seems like not such a bad place after all.

Happiness is a state of mind. One can be happy as long as one allows self to be. We have lived in the modern age where "emo" is the new "cool" that we have forgotten we really can just let ourselves to be happy and just forget about being "cool". So, instead of appreciating the little joys in life, we find faults with little details in our lives and grumble about it to our friends. Suddenly, sharing pains becomes the new socializing... No one likes someone who is forever happy and worry-free about their life, there's a sadist somehow deep down inside in everyone where we wanna see others suffer and doing worse than us in order for us to feel good about ourselves. Selfish.

I have been living the same mundane life lately ever since work. Same old routine travel to office, 8.30-5.30 tedious and monotonous work, travel back home, eat, tv, maybe cook a little, jamming in my room, youtube, shower, then sleep. Repeat every weekday. Pepper with occasional dinner with friends. Weekends are either spent lazing around at home or catching up with some friends and shopping. Yada yada yada...

But the big difference? First few weeks were like a horrible nightmare which i couldn't wait to wake up from. That's when i kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I didn't realise i was the one who let all these "sufferings" be. I was the one who chose this bloody course to study. I was the one who chose this bloody job to take. I am the lazy ass that didn't do a thing to make a change about it when i hated it so much. All I am is a grumpy old complaining coward who refuses to help herself.

Well, now i realise. Grumbling only make things worse. Can't change the thing you don't like? Then change yourselves. I took liberty of the somber silent in the office to think things through. What i wanna do in life and what i really am. And pieces started to fit together. And now i am enjoying every moment in my life, no matter how bloody boring it is to everyone else. Hell yeah, i am allowed to be happy with my boring life don't I? There's nothing like jamming around in your underwear to your favourite music inside your own room, with your reflection on the tinted window as your only jamming partner.

And boyfriends? Lots of people looked at me weirdly when i tell them i am still single. It used to bug me before. Why the hell am i still single when everyone else is getting attached? And-excuse me for the lack of modesty- but i really don't think i did any bad in the looks department. If anything, i think i'm slightly more towards the "hot" scale. XP. But that's where the problem is too. If my appearance is not the problem, then what the hell is wrong with me? It hurts more to know that no one wants you because you are a bad person than because you are ugly. And all the self-bashing just started to surface. Everything went downhill until all i saw when i look into the mirror is an ugly old hag with rotten insides. Then emo, then depressed...

Well, no longer anymore i shall allow the self-pity. The problem, is really not with me. Fate works in a funny way sometimes. It's so busy it tends to forget some people. Or it could just like to skip over certain random people at random turns. And i just happened to be that turn all the time. Oh wells...the point is, i realise i don't need to be in a relationship to define who i am. Nor am i a better person if i have a boyfriend, or worse if i don't. I need to be happy with who i am myself before i can be happy with anyone else. It doesn't mean i wanna be single all my life, no, contrary, i still do wanna get attached. But i realise all these while, i am just in love with the idea of being in love instead of really loving or even liking anyone. So now, i am just going to enjoy and be proud of being boyfriend-less, taking the liberty of being single and doing all the things i can do alone, until my fish charming comes swimming by one day. He might never come at all, but at least i don't spend my life being miserable waiting for him to appear....

So, in conclusion, for the first time in a long time, i can truly say i am happy at this moment. This is a happiness that is not dependent on any family, friends, or material. Rather, it is a state of mind where i enjoy and appreciate everything right at this moment; learning to see the beauty in life. All it takes to realise this is a few pages from an international best-selling book, and a Saturday morning encounter-where i was at my lowest point being all sad and depressed- with a cat which tries to jump up the fence. Watching the cat bend its legs, hesitating to take the leap several times, stretching and unstretching again and again, before finally taking the leap is just too funny. And i laughed out loud. And just like that i understand. Life can be a complicated journey, but it doesn't take much to be happy. We will eventually reach the end somehow, but we can always choose to laugh our way there and make things easier.

Have a good day everyone. =)

Saturday, April 30, 2011

RRAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Why is luck always not on my side???? Why is always all these lame stuffs always ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME??! FML!!! I officially hate booking air tickets.. Blooody.

I was happily going out alone today.. Ok, not happily but at least i try to not lament at my own pity lonely self and tried to have fun, even i was alone. Eat alone, walked alone, compensated with awarding myself 2 cups of fat-filled gong cha to stop the self-pity. Was happy, really quite happy even as I got lost walking a few times around the city. A little imagination and the gong cha's in hand got my spirit up...

Finally came to a decision to book the flights tonight, after procrastinating for so long. Because i was considering the budget, date and everything. Nearly cracked my skull in two deciding whether i should book. And when i finally, finally confirmed the booking, YOU JUST HAVE TO RUIN IT DON'T YOU??? LIKE FREAKING 5 MINUTES RIGHT AFTER IT!!! FML FML FML FML FMLTTM!!!!!!!!

Screw everything. Screw it. I'm sick and tired of this shit. FUCK! ARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Leave my brain alone!!! I'm going to destroy something! RAHHHHHHH!!!!! I HATE MAKING DECISION. DON'T MAKE ME DECIDE!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

go on. i'm being mean to u. hate me with all ur might. i'm not as nice as u think. u mess with the wrong person. although it's nice to have the honour. but it's time u realise who i really am.
i think everything kinda exploded. i'm so sorry. it went out of control. it's my fault. me myself all along. i'm foolish to deceive myself. let's put it to an end. i'm so sorry. i fell for u first. u had any idea how hard it is to type out the previous sentence?

happiness is a state of mind. as long as i accept i could be doomed to singlehood forever, i'll be able to live happily. i will no longer harbour any hopes. i can't believe it has become like this. i wish you would never find out. and continue to live happily ever after..

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Do you really not know your own charms? Your friend is right when she said she could have fell for you if you continued... I know because, so do I. You might be playing alright. But it's dangerous. And it could burn bridges. Next time, pick on other targets. Because lonely souls are too easy to be played....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Why do i feel this way...

It's hard to not feel the pain. I feel it every once in a while, every so often, every time it hurts more than the previous one. It was masked with a smile, forgotten momentarily with a happy event, only to be stirred to the surface again when I'm left all alone.

You might ask me why do I feel this way? For that, I have no answer for you. It is just there, you see? Some things never changes.

Monday, April 4, 2011

i think...

would you believe me if i say i really might have fallen for you?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Big eyes, small eyes...

Fishy should know that small eyes can be very pretty too. Sure, big eyes triumph a lot over small eyes. But small eyes is unique and cute on it's own. Fishy should know that someone elses out there like small eyes.

This post is not making anymore senses.

Fishy, I love your eyes. But someone else might just love mine. =)

Friday, March 25, 2011

We're both straigth.

Flirt flirt with one's friend. Same gender friend.

It's fun, it's playful, but it could be dangerous too.

Watch out before you burn yourself....

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

FIshy's Perfect Girl

He said big eyes, nice forehead, and now nice ankles....

Ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ML. =(((((((((

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My Valentine...



Is sadly not the fish this year. And he fell sick and went to the hospital because I was about to stop seeing him for two weeks for fyp.

No, kicked-puppy expression is not going to work. I'm not going to be soft-hearted..



*Heartbroken*..How could I when you are crying like that? No. I can't~~

It's difficult. It's bitter now, but I promise it will be sweet later.

It pains me too. But yeah, keep smiling like that, baby. Dry your tears. It'll be fine...

Love Fishy. Happy Valentine's Day to you.




Thursday, February 10, 2011

"This is what I’m begging,Babe. Can I be the only guy who stay with you and holds your hands~"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La8u6YTwdeA&feature=player_embedded

XDDDDD Evidence, Evidence, EVIDENCE!

Lost count of the number of times I watched it again and again. Lol!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Fish-ache..

My heart hurts at the thought of not getting to meet Fishy Hae close up, when he was just so nearby!! ARRGGHH!!


How coould you do this sooo many times with others but not even come near me ONCE!!! NOT EVEN ONE BLOODY CLOSE-UP PICTURE!

SS3 Malaysia. Should I go again?

The SGD208 experience.

I shall be working on my fyp or TBP project but I don't care. I wanna get this down before I forgot the details.

Yes, people. I've finally met my loves upclose!! Well, mostly except for Fishy Hae. =((( Silly fish barely swam near my place throughout the whole show. Even when performing, he would be situated right at the furthest corner from me! Wtfish.. Ahhhh~~So dissapointed. -_-"

Oh wells, I guess God is fair. He took away Fishy from me and threw a Horsie at me instead! If you follow FB, you would have roughly know what happened. Well, here's a recap in detail for my own future reference. =P

Although I'm not a big fan of Horsie, the following event took place.

I was standing near the glass platform during one of the performance (i still can't remember what's the song they sang!) when the members started to close in to the audience. No one was at my corner except for me and Yue. Then the Horsie grandly marched onto the platform. Funny how no one crowds near my corner even after he was up there for awhile. I stretched upwards with my cam hoping he would grab it and took a few selcas of himself. That's what a lot of the other members did. The next thing I know, he came over, looked directly at me while singing and grabbed my wrist!!! Yikes! It was for awhile too before he let go. The fangirls behind then realized what happened and went crazy. They rushed towards us and shrieked out the heck of their lungs. Unfortunately for Yue, they shrieked directly into her ears. Poor girl...
Well, back to the story. I guess Wonnie held my wrist instead because my hand was still holding onto my cam. It was pretty awkward if you ask me, but surprisingly it did feel pretty good. hehe. *shy*. Perhaps because wrist is where the skin is thinner and more sensitive ba. His fingers felt warm yet cool at the same time. How is that even possible? *shakes head*

Behind me, Yue was going "Take his picture, take his picture!" all the while. So, here's my current "trophy" according to Kling.

Took this while he was holding onto my wrist. Not a very flattering pic but whatever la! Hehe.

Afterwards, I went back to my seat and told Kling about it as she didn't join us at the platform. She was surprised and said that she saw Horsie holding some girl's hand but she didn't know it was me! *proud* Haha.

Anyways, after that incident, the fangirls all knew to crowd that "magical" spot from then on, since it is an easy "access" to their idols. While the security know to block off that "magical spot" as much as possible, since the fangirls can reach the idols there. -_-"

Oh wells, later on, I went around the same spot again, but a little bit higher with quite a lot of fangirls, some with smelly breathes *ewwws*. Ryewook, Leeteuk, Shindong, Sungmin, Eunhyuk all came upclose. Eunhyuk came twice and stayed quite long. The first time he was up there with his taugeh costume. Makes excellent photo subject. I got to shook his taugeh sprouts too. Haha. The second time he came while eating some rice crackers with some to throw at the fans. Makes excellent video subject. Lol.
Taugeh Hyuk, I got lots more similar pics at high quality.

Lol. Emo-ing at one corner. So drama!

Then Ryeowook and Kyuhyun came by again. Ryeowook was really shy. Although he is probably the one who came nearby the most, he never attempted to shake any of our hands or such. The closest thing he did was giving away a banner to the fans. The girl in front of me grabbed it.

But it was a different sorry for Kyu though. He seemed reluctant to shake hands to, but no such luck since he came to near by and some fans managed to grab his hands. The the rest just grabbed and shook it, including me who act held onto it for a bit before he pulled away. Hehe *evil snicker*. I was still trying to held out the camera for him too. But this clever fangirl behind me just shove her cam-phone straight into his hands. So, he got no choice but to take a selca of himself for her before passing the phone back. While I was left with nothing but a back shot of him leaving. -_-"
The sad backview..=((

About his hands- it feels fleshy plump and smoothly soft. Exactly like someone with good fortune's hand. Which I think is quite befitting of him.


Well, that's all I get for SGD208. Nothing much of the "ultimate fan-experience" after that. But I still enjoyed the whole show and screamed myself hoarse and danced till my legs wobbles. The whole experience made better because I was with my beloved sisters all the time. Hehe.

Super Show 3 in Singapore rocks!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The day I waited 9382832798 days for..

SJ SS3 tomorrow. Finally!! Can't wait can't wait. =DD

All my loves under one roof. I shall be sorry sorry though coz my fyp's going to suffer. But heck care la.

Super Junior, here we come! =DD

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm writing this down before i forgot.

I've been dreaming of the Suju boys quite often recently. All real random dreams with real random members. You will see why

1. Eunhyuk.

Something about being in a bus on a school trip with ahmei, jar and some other friends. Eunhyuk popped out somewhere in the picture when we stopped by a shopping mall and the celebrity him was there to greet us- shook hands and all. Then he somehow followed us back to the bus and sat with us. Awkward silence ensued as no one knows what to speak to the celebrity. *dream ends soon after a few stolen glances here and there*

2. Siwon

Dreamed of a baby boy at first, about 1+ or 2 years old. Kept pestering me to get him lots of things. Then asked me to buy him clothes. Don't ask me how I can understand the baby. In the end I got really frustrated and turn just to see the horsie Siwon standing at another side of the room. So, I said to the baby "Go and ask your uncle Siwonnie to buy for you instead!" -__-" *Dream ends after Siwon picked up the baby boy and gave a sheepish grin or a dirty look at me. I can't remember which.*

3. Ryeowook and Yesung

We were in a car. Yesung was driving and Wookie in the front side while I was in the backseat. It was an old red sedan car. The car went over a magnificent bridge with magnificent view of magnificent ships sailing beneath it. The backdrop was a magnificent sunset orange sky. Then we drove through a dark and windy road. Then I asked Yesung and Wookie where we are going. Wookie answered we are going over to Grandma's for reunion dinner!! Wth....Somehow, the bridge scene and the windy road are familiar from another dream. I remembered remembering taking the windy road before from another dream as I then gave directions to Yesung on how to reach Grandma's place. *Dream ends before we reached Grandma's*