I love coffee. But their effects on me is equivalent to drugs like marijuana or heroine (although i've never tried them before) and they last for hours and hours.
Supposed to drink a bit of coffee to keep me awake. But the effects was too strong and my plan backfired! Now i'm experiencing nervousness, shivers and a bit too lightheaded that i can't even concentrate on studying at all. Heck, i'm having a hard time to even type this properly. God knows how many times i've to use the backspace to correct me typo!!
And it's not like i had a lot lor..Barely half a cup of white coffee. Oh why? Why like that?
Anyone knows how to reverse this stupid effect? Coz i rili love coffee but have to restraint myself from drinking it each time because of this. AARRRGHHHH!!
Sidenote: I feel like I can run a million miles now. Maybe i should have coffee before sports training next time. The effects will be interesting, I think.
Side sidenote: I think i won't be able to sleep tonight. =(
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Counting down...
To 2nd dec.
The day where i finish my exam. The day where i finish this lousy semester. And most importantly the day i'm starting anew from scratch.
21 years and more. That's how long i've been living and that's how long i've been regretting it. Enough is enough. I know i've been rambling about how life sucks and i can't wait to die. But apparently The One up there has other plans and decides otherwise. Since that's the case, i shall live everyday fully with no regrets till the day i die, even if it's tomorrow.
In the past i've been living safely- in other words, BORING. I ended up regretting all the things i could've done but did not. Just simply because i was scared of the uncertainties that lie ahead. And also to try to fit in with everybody.
Now i shall rather regret what i've done than what i've not done.
On top of my to-do list is to look HOT..haha. Life is short. Youth is even shorter. If i don't work for the hotness now it'll just get even harder with time. God might've not bequeathed me with great genes but that's not going to stop me. With all the technologies available now, i shall get a nose job if i ever did feel like getting one. xp.
This might seem shallow to most people. Of course they'll argue that looks is not everything. But i believe that looks makes up a big portion of someone. Everyone wants to look good. My belated ahmah said this once " 不爱美不是人"(which literally means every human wants to look good). I was still too young to really comprehend the meaning then. Now i think this is the wisest thing my ahmah has ever said because looks might not be everything but it certainly can make or break someone, especially one's confidence. That doesn't mean that ugly people should go dig themselves a hole and live in it. The key is to BELIEVE yourself, that you are indeed beautiful. So, it's ok to be all hairy, fat, greasy hair, pimply big moles, crooked nose, 3 eyes, 4 mouths and whatever else, as long as you are hapy and comfortable with it. In my case, it just takes a little more to convince myself that. hehe. Besides, what's wrong with being more pleasant on the eyes for others?? People love to see beautiful things don't they??
Next on, i shall not run away from any problems ever again. I tend to avoid problems especially when the stress pile up high. No more excuses for not doing something. I shall take every challenge that comes my way and wrestle it down to the ground. Be it solving the economy recession or cleaning that super dusty blind in my room..Oh, no more blaming anything i can think of when something goes wrong too.
I shall also stop acting dumb-or smart sometimes-in front of people. I shall not say things i do not mean just to please others. I shall stop living my life trying to please everyone. Trust me, you'll only end up being the most displeased one; no matter how much you do, people just don't apreciate that much. I don't know whether you all still know this but remember the "what i want to be in my next life" post i wrote in Friendster's blog last time? The one that wynken so happily "copied" it? Well, it just strikes me why wait till next life? I shall start now. At least the part where i look gorgeous and say no to people. For the filthy rich part, rest assured i'll make it my life-long mission to marry a damn rich husband and be spoiled by him. =)
There are still a lot more i want to do. The most important thing i learn is to stop whining and waiting the sky to rain gold coins instead whenever something goes wrong. Oppoturnities don't come banging on your door. They'll only barely smirk at your dirty doormat as they whizzed pass, if they ever do passby. Thus, it's up to us to chase it (or hunt if it decides your doormat isn't even worth smirking at) down to grab it and wipe that annoying smirk off it's face. Take that you s**ker!!
You are not obliged to read everything i've wrote so far. But in case you do, you'll probably be wondering why the sudden optimism after all the "just_let_me_die_already_posts". Well, i went running today and that clears my head. I realised i don't want to just die getting run down by the shuttle bus (refer to previous post) yet. Certainly don't want to die not ever trying the bungee jump, all the delicious food all over the world, bla bla bla.. and certainly not still a virgin..That'll be damn sad lar. Imagine my tombstone displaying
"Born a virgin.
Live a virgin.
Die a virgin."
The spirits at the other side would probably make fun of me everyday and my after-life will be even sadder than the one here. This is how i imagined them to talk among themselves. Two typical male Malaysians' spirits. Hence, the Manglish.
Spirit A: Eh, see the newcomer? Not bad le. Quite sui.
Ghost B: But hor, i heard she's still a virgin le. It's not like she's still underage or what lo. Adult already le. She's probably never even had an ah boi before. You think what's wrong with her ar?
Spirit A: Har? Like that ar. Maybe she has AIDS le? Or she'll eat her mate like praying cockroach. Mantis? What's that? Aiya, see how fast she eat the joss-sticks. So scary. It's possible lo!
Ghost B: Eee..I don't want friend her already la. Since you say she sui, you go xian her la. Don't say i never give you chance ar, brudder.
Spirit A: You very pandai hor. Don't want already only give me. Act generous somemore. KNS. Go die lar.
Ghost B: I already did what.
Spirit A: Yahor. hehe.paiseh ar.
Me: (listening to everything they said coz they were practically shouting at each other) -__-""
Bloody hell. Cannot be the guys here blind mer?
And for the record, i'm not in a hurry to lose it. Just that it'll really be a waste to die without even experiencing love once.
Amazing what a simple run can do to one's head right?
This post shall serve as a reminder to me if i ever lost my determination along the way. Thanks to everyone who cared so far. May you all get to eat good food everyday.=D
The day where i finish my exam. The day where i finish this lousy semester. And most importantly the day i'm starting anew from scratch.
21 years and more. That's how long i've been living and that's how long i've been regretting it. Enough is enough. I know i've been rambling about how life sucks and i can't wait to die. But apparently The One up there has other plans and decides otherwise. Since that's the case, i shall live everyday fully with no regrets till the day i die, even if it's tomorrow.
In the past i've been living safely- in other words, BORING. I ended up regretting all the things i could've done but did not. Just simply because i was scared of the uncertainties that lie ahead. And also to try to fit in with everybody.
Now i shall rather regret what i've done than what i've not done.
On top of my to-do list is to look HOT..haha. Life is short. Youth is even shorter. If i don't work for the hotness now it'll just get even harder with time. God might've not bequeathed me with great genes but that's not going to stop me. With all the technologies available now, i shall get a nose job if i ever did feel like getting one. xp.
This might seem shallow to most people. Of course they'll argue that looks is not everything. But i believe that looks makes up a big portion of someone. Everyone wants to look good. My belated ahmah said this once " 不爱美不是人"(which literally means every human wants to look good). I was still too young to really comprehend the meaning then. Now i think this is the wisest thing my ahmah has ever said because looks might not be everything but it certainly can make or break someone, especially one's confidence. That doesn't mean that ugly people should go dig themselves a hole and live in it. The key is to BELIEVE yourself, that you are indeed beautiful. So, it's ok to be all hairy, fat, greasy hair, pimply big moles, crooked nose, 3 eyes, 4 mouths and whatever else, as long as you are hapy and comfortable with it. In my case, it just takes a little more to convince myself that. hehe. Besides, what's wrong with being more pleasant on the eyes for others?? People love to see beautiful things don't they??
Next on, i shall not run away from any problems ever again. I tend to avoid problems especially when the stress pile up high. No more excuses for not doing something. I shall take every challenge that comes my way and wrestle it down to the ground. Be it solving the economy recession or cleaning that super dusty blind in my room..Oh, no more blaming anything i can think of when something goes wrong too.
I shall also stop acting dumb-or smart sometimes-in front of people. I shall not say things i do not mean just to please others. I shall stop living my life trying to please everyone. Trust me, you'll only end up being the most displeased one; no matter how much you do, people just don't apreciate that much. I don't know whether you all still know this but remember the "what i want to be in my next life" post i wrote in Friendster's blog last time? The one that wynken so happily "copied" it? Well, it just strikes me why wait till next life? I shall start now. At least the part where i look gorgeous and say no to people. For the filthy rich part, rest assured i'll make it my life-long mission to marry a damn rich husband and be spoiled by him. =)
There are still a lot more i want to do. The most important thing i learn is to stop whining and waiting the sky to rain gold coins instead whenever something goes wrong. Oppoturnities don't come banging on your door. They'll only barely smirk at your dirty doormat as they whizzed pass, if they ever do passby. Thus, it's up to us to chase it (or hunt if it decides your doormat isn't even worth smirking at) down to grab it and wipe that annoying smirk off it's face. Take that you s**ker!!
You are not obliged to read everything i've wrote so far. But in case you do, you'll probably be wondering why the sudden optimism after all the "just_let_me_die_already_posts". Well, i went running today and that clears my head. I realised i don't want to just die getting run down by the shuttle bus (refer to previous post) yet. Certainly don't want to die not ever trying the bungee jump, all the delicious food all over the world, bla bla bla.. and certainly not still a virgin..That'll be damn sad lar. Imagine my tombstone displaying
"Born a virgin.
Live a virgin.
Die a virgin."
The spirits at the other side would probably make fun of me everyday and my after-life will be even sadder than the one here. This is how i imagined them to talk among themselves. Two typical male Malaysians' spirits. Hence, the Manglish.
Spirit A: Eh, see the newcomer? Not bad le. Quite sui.
Ghost B: But hor, i heard she's still a virgin le. It's not like she's still underage or what lo. Adult already le. She's probably never even had an ah boi before. You think what's wrong with her ar?
Spirit A: Har? Like that ar. Maybe she has AIDS le? Or she'll eat her mate like praying cockroach. Mantis? What's that? Aiya, see how fast she eat the joss-sticks. So scary. It's possible lo!
Ghost B: Eee..I don't want friend her already la. Since you say she sui, you go xian her la. Don't say i never give you chance ar, brudder.
Spirit A: You very pandai hor. Don't want already only give me. Act generous somemore. KNS. Go die lar.
Ghost B: I already did what.
Spirit A: Yahor. hehe.paiseh ar.
Me: (listening to everything they said coz they were practically shouting at each other) -__-""
Bloody hell. Cannot be the guys here blind mer?
And for the record, i'm not in a hurry to lose it. Just that it'll really be a waste to die without even experiencing love once.
Amazing what a simple run can do to one's head right?
This post shall serve as a reminder to me if i ever lost my determination along the way. Thanks to everyone who cared so far. May you all get to eat good food everyday.=D
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Can you hear the breaking sound?
yeah. that's my heart you heard.
it broke yesterday and somehow it's still breaking into more pieces today. more like crushing. it's a miracle that i'm actually not dead yet. now i know it's impossible to die from a broken heart. but you'll inevitably live long enough to suffer the aftermaths..
enough is enough. yesterday was the last straw. the biggest blow for the poor battered heart to hold up anymore. if all that happened before this were like being flung bricks at, yesterday was like someone just drop a 1000000 tonnes boulder on the heart. how isit possible for anything to survive that??
but judging by the trend of how things turned out lately, i wouldn't be surprised if i got hit by the shuttle bus tomorrow or something just as bad.
oh my poor heart. it couldn't even rest in peace now when it's already in pieces (pun unintended).
can you blame me then for couldn't help feeling a bit happier thinking about the suicidal options i had?.
it broke yesterday and somehow it's still breaking into more pieces today. more like crushing. it's a miracle that i'm actually not dead yet. now i know it's impossible to die from a broken heart. but you'll inevitably live long enough to suffer the aftermaths..
enough is enough. yesterday was the last straw. the biggest blow for the poor battered heart to hold up anymore. if all that happened before this were like being flung bricks at, yesterday was like someone just drop a 1000000 tonnes boulder on the heart. how isit possible for anything to survive that??
but judging by the trend of how things turned out lately, i wouldn't be surprised if i got hit by the shuttle bus tomorrow or something just as bad.
oh my poor heart. it couldn't even rest in peace now when it's already in pieces (pun unintended).
can you blame me then for couldn't help feeling a bit happier thinking about the suicidal options i had?.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Of pink and weird dreams..
I realise most popular "bimbo" blogs are pink. xiaxue's pink, cheesie's pink, pinkpau's pink,..even huiyi's blog is pink.
Maybe i should turn here into a pink bimbo blog too once i'm done with exams. Can imagine me posting up various pictures of myself pouting and acting chio already? Talk about nothing but the awesomeness of designer clothes and the wonders of bubbles and cotton candy and loves? Puntuating every single sentence with "omg!", "totally" and "like"? like "it was like, so omg totally so gorgeous, and i so like totally heart it!!! loves..".
Lol. Don't faint, people. Afterall, i did used to be obssessed all over pink and barbie dolls when i was much younger. Heck, i've even did ballet complete with the tights and tutus. -__-"
That is if i survive the exam. I think i'm really going bonkers even if i don't die from it. Why?
Just the day before yesterday i dreamt of one of my close girl-friend here kissing me all over when she would normally accuse me of molesting her if i ever so much of accidentally brush against her fingernail. That irritating banshee...
And last night i dreamt of the other two of the PFM trio (i'm the third one) actually look deep into each other's eyes before kissing each other. Nevermind that one of them is totally devoted to her long time relationship with a certain curly-haired prodigy(who's currently residing in the UK). What's worst is that they claimed it's a proven way that helps in studying and i should try it too. With THEM!
wtf...i woke up in cold sweat...
Can absolutely conclude now that exams seriously screw my head.
Leave my dreams alone can?
Maybe i should turn here into a pink bimbo blog too once i'm done with exams. Can imagine me posting up various pictures of myself pouting and acting chio already? Talk about nothing but the awesomeness of designer clothes and the wonders of bubbles and cotton candy and loves? Puntuating every single sentence with "omg!", "totally" and "like"? like "it was like, so omg totally so gorgeous, and i so like totally heart it!!! loves..".
Lol. Don't faint, people. Afterall, i did used to be obssessed all over pink and barbie dolls when i was much younger. Heck, i've even did ballet complete with the tights and tutus. -__-"
That is if i survive the exam. I think i'm really going bonkers even if i don't die from it. Why?
Just the day before yesterday i dreamt of one of my close girl-friend here kissing me all over when she would normally accuse me of molesting her if i ever so much of accidentally brush against her fingernail. That irritating banshee...
And last night i dreamt of the other two of the PFM trio (i'm the third one) actually look deep into each other's eyes before kissing each other. Nevermind that one of them is totally devoted to her long time relationship with a certain curly-haired prodigy(who's currently residing in the UK). What's worst is that they claimed it's a proven way that helps in studying and i should try it too. With THEM!
wtf...i woke up in cold sweat...
Can absolutely conclude now that exams seriously screw my head.
Leave my dreams alone can?
Friday, November 21, 2008
die..
yeah.
i can officially die when the result for my Proffesional Communication module is out.
enjoying my remaining time till then.
with more studying...
yeah. that's right.
my life sucks.
i can officially die when the result for my Proffesional Communication module is out.
enjoying my remaining time till then.
with more studying...
yeah. that's right.
my life sucks.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
pre-exam incoherence
paper tomorrow and i've not yet study for it at all.
i just wanna eat all the gorgeous food.
i just wanna watch my favourite show.
i just wanna play and run.
i don't wanna study for exam, not when i know i can't do well.
i don't know how to study now, when the big "B" is hanging on my head.
damn sien.
can everyone stop telling me "life's like that lar..".
can tell me to just screw exam and go have fun instead?
gah. what am i saying??
i need to study for exam....
i just wanna eat all the gorgeous food.
i just wanna watch my favourite show.
i just wanna play and run.
i don't wanna study for exam, not when i know i can't do well.
i don't know how to study now, when the big "B" is hanging on my head.
damn sien.
can everyone stop telling me "life's like that lar..".
can tell me to just screw exam and go have fun instead?
gah. what am i saying??
i need to study for exam....
Sunday, November 16, 2008
=(
Le sigh~~
Why are we extremely sleepy during exam?
Why can the roomie sleep at least 10 hours a day when she too, has exams like me?
Why can't we mug without living on chocolates and other junk?
And why do those said chocs n junk have to show on our tummy and faces?
Dark circles, pimples and fats....
Do I need to say more?? Le sigh~~~
Why are we extremely sleepy during exam?
Why can the roomie sleep at least 10 hours a day when she too, has exams like me?
Why can't we mug without living on chocolates and other junk?
And why do those said chocs n junk have to show on our tummy and faces?
Dark circles, pimples and fats....
Do I need to say more?? Le sigh~~~
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Stressed...
I'm so stressed out by the structural system project and exams. More so than those pre-stressed concrete. If u cut me open i think i'll snap in half and the force that i release can practically injure someone...piak!!!
Here's the equation:
Stress---->insomnia + chocolate cravings------>pimples and fat -____-"""
Back to the aforementioned project which induced this post in the first place. *sien*
Here's the equation:
Stress---->insomnia + chocolate cravings------>pimples and fat -____-"""
Back to the aforementioned project which induced this post in the first place. *sien*
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
WT FREAKING F??
I AM DAMN PISSED OFF.
Seriously wtf???
Why can't that stupid lady do things properly?
What happened to my SEP application?
If this jeopardises my chance of going for SEP next year i'm so seriously going to cry. And maybe kill someone.
This is like the only reason i can still move on, the one small tiny bright light that i'm looking forward to. The only chance i have to get out of this shit hole. And thanks to some inefficient stupid procedure it has to go "poof!!!".
It's totally not fair. No. I refused to let it be like this.
Excuse me while i go to sharpen my parang right now..
Update: We brought up our case to the prof in charge of SEP (did i mention another friend of mine who's a dean's lister got missed out too??). He said he'll try his best to appeal for another places for us, but he can't guarantee us anything. The freaking namelist has been sent out to everyone so there's no way they can retract it. I still can't help blowing up everytime someone ask me about this. Wouldn't you too if you know perfectly well you would've definitely secure a place if not for a certain dumb lady's mistake??
Seriously wtf???
Why can't that stupid lady do things properly?
What happened to my SEP application?
If this jeopardises my chance of going for SEP next year i'm so seriously going to cry. And maybe kill someone.
This is like the only reason i can still move on, the one small tiny bright light that i'm looking forward to. The only chance i have to get out of this shit hole. And thanks to some inefficient stupid procedure it has to go "poof!!!".
It's totally not fair. No. I refused to let it be like this.
Excuse me while i go to sharpen my parang right now..
Update: We brought up our case to the prof in charge of SEP (did i mention another friend of mine who's a dean's lister got missed out too??). He said he'll try his best to appeal for another places for us, but he can't guarantee us anything. The freaking namelist has been sent out to everyone so there's no way they can retract it. I still can't help blowing up everytime someone ask me about this. Wouldn't you too if you know perfectly well you would've definitely secure a place if not for a certain dumb lady's mistake??
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Again??!!
Die. Second post in such a short time..
I really should be studying.
Exam is stressing enough. Makes people have lots of random thoughts.
Kena saman because of a RM0.60 parking coupon AGAIN is like the cherry on top of your year. Makes people really want to scream their lungs out. If only I can wipe that stupid smirk off the officer's face...
Being caught lying just to get an extra piece of fruit has to be the cream of the crop. Now I'm officially on Aunty Grumpy's blacklist forever.
Die..
Why oh why depressing events have to unfold themselves one after another continuosly? Why can't they talk it through and take turns doing it slowly?
It's true then that it never rains but it showers.
I'm such a drama queen... Amazing though how I can make a drama out of this even-more-amazingly-boring life....
I really should be studying.
Exam is stressing enough. Makes people have lots of random thoughts.
Kena saman because of a RM0.60 parking coupon AGAIN is like the cherry on top of your year. Makes people really want to scream their lungs out. If only I can wipe that stupid smirk off the officer's face...
Being caught lying just to get an extra piece of fruit has to be the cream of the crop. Now I'm officially on Aunty Grumpy's blacklist forever.
Die..
Why oh why depressing events have to unfold themselves one after another continuosly? Why can't they talk it through and take turns doing it slowly?
It's true then that it never rains but it showers.
I'm such a drama queen... Amazing though how I can make a drama out of this even-more-amazingly-boring life....
Musing with Death
Have you ever thought of death? As in suicide?
I certainly did quite a handful of times. Like there are just times I'll toy with the idea of jumping from some building, downing a cup of pills, or jumping in front of a truck or the mrt. I've even went so far as deciding cutting wrist and drowning are not fesible for me..too much pain.
There are just times when I'll just feel real dissapointed with how my life turned out to be. Everything seems wrong. Unexciting. Sometimes there's just no motivation for me to continue living at all (except food). I don't want to slug my ass away and live the rest of my life like what I'm doing now.
Everyday's a struggle.
There's no meaning at all to live like this. I could die without any regrets now if I have to live through whatever shit I'm living right now forever.
What about others you said? WHAT about others? WHAT do they care about my life? As much as I know, I'm more of a trouble to people than a help..literally pain in the ass. Ask yourself honestly if you would. How many times have my presence had been joy? How many times have I bring more trouble and annoyance upon you? Would it make such a big difference if I am not around?
I myself wouldn't care of an existance as such.
They would be better off without me. Sure they might grieved for a while, but then I'm pretty sure they can move on after that.
This isn't some sudden depression in the moment in case you are wondering. No. It's not depression at all. The idea of ending it all has always been there since long long time ago. The thought of after-life has always fascinated me. Wondering what it would be on the other side. Maybe there isn't any at all. Well, it's not like there's anything much here also..
Is this normal? Is it ok for me to continue living like this? Anticipating the day I leave this world? In the meanwhile living half-heartedly with everything I do and plastering a smile on my face everyday as if I'm enjoying life so much?
There's no one I can talk to about this in person. Who wouldn't freak out if someone tells you something like this? I have enough. I only wish I really have the courage of ending it all instead of blogging about it here pathethically.
Either that or something joyful better happen soon...
"Life is cheap. Especially mine." -Heero Yui-
I certainly did quite a handful of times. Like there are just times I'll toy with the idea of jumping from some building, downing a cup of pills, or jumping in front of a truck or the mrt. I've even went so far as deciding cutting wrist and drowning are not fesible for me..too much pain.
There are just times when I'll just feel real dissapointed with how my life turned out to be. Everything seems wrong. Unexciting. Sometimes there's just no motivation for me to continue living at all (except food). I don't want to slug my ass away and live the rest of my life like what I'm doing now.
Everyday's a struggle.
There's no meaning at all to live like this. I could die without any regrets now if I have to live through whatever shit I'm living right now forever.
What about others you said? WHAT about others? WHAT do they care about my life? As much as I know, I'm more of a trouble to people than a help..literally pain in the ass. Ask yourself honestly if you would. How many times have my presence had been joy? How many times have I bring more trouble and annoyance upon you? Would it make such a big difference if I am not around?
I myself wouldn't care of an existance as such.
They would be better off without me. Sure they might grieved for a while, but then I'm pretty sure they can move on after that.
This isn't some sudden depression in the moment in case you are wondering. No. It's not depression at all. The idea of ending it all has always been there since long long time ago. The thought of after-life has always fascinated me. Wondering what it would be on the other side. Maybe there isn't any at all. Well, it's not like there's anything much here also..
Is this normal? Is it ok for me to continue living like this? Anticipating the day I leave this world? In the meanwhile living half-heartedly with everything I do and plastering a smile on my face everyday as if I'm enjoying life so much?
There's no one I can talk to about this in person. Who wouldn't freak out if someone tells you something like this? I have enough. I only wish I really have the courage of ending it all instead of blogging about it here pathethically.
Either that or something joyful better happen soon...
"Life is cheap. Especially mine." -Heero Yui-
Friday, November 7, 2008
Birthday surprises
So many birthdays around. So many "surprises" going around. Happy happy mood..=)
Which reminds me i've never had one before..
Don't get me wrong. I'm not hinting anything. I've been struggling awhile whether i should post this online. But then this has been bugging me for a long time and if i can't let it out here, my personal venting place, where else can it be?? Not many people's going to read anyway..
The best birthday i've ever had so far was my 8th. I remember dad let me choose whether i wanna go swimming or watch Toy Story that day. Both were my favourite past time. I had a hard time choosing and finally picked swimming instead. So the whole family went swimming at the evening. But then the surprise came after that.
Dad brought us to the cinema after swimming to watch Toy Story afterall!!=D.
Imagine the happy mini version of me jumping up in joy when i found out i got double treats on my b'day!!yay!!
Well, i guess i did have a b'day surprise after all...
Till now, the memory of that particular day is still vivid in my head. The name Toy Story alone still put a smile on my face. =)))))
Perhaps it was all that special because that's the last birthday i spent with dad before he fell sick.
Every year has been very different after that. Mostly unpleasant. The most horrible one was my 18th.
18th is supposed to be the one where everyone gives the vibe about, next to 21. But mine was a week after dad passed away. I didn't know what I should be feeling that day, when we held dad's 7th day ceremony at home. I wanted to tell everyone "it's my birthday today" but I couldn't. And i felt really horrible for even having the cheeck to think about my b'day at all...
19th started off all wrong. We had math mid-terms on that day. I forgot to bring my calculator to school and had to call mum to bring it over for me. The first thing mum said to me when she saw me that morning was literally "I'm so going to cut off your brain, u no-brainer!!"..What a b'day wish!! -_-"..With mid-terms and all, naturally everyone's busy mugging so nothing really exciting happened after that. Yes, not even a cake i think. The one shared with cw at her b'day party doesn't count. Even though that's very kind of her anyway..
20th and 21st wasn't that bad but it wasn't much to talk about too. 21st happened a month after ahmah's death but at least i still got to celebrate it in small scale with mum and yue...
All the other previous ones are just plain awful that I didn't even want to remember it. Till this day, May 23rd is a day i dread. Just because I would really hope it'll turn out good just to be dissapointed all over again. Sometimes I would even wish that I do not have a birthday. It's supposed to be a day where we feel special and loved as a human. Once a year. But no. Not the case for me.
I asked Mum to throw me a birthday party once. To that she that "Did you know that YOUR birthday is the day that I suffered in pain giving birth to YOU for hours? So you should be the one doing something special for me instead!". So true...To that I've no counter-argument at all.
But, I guess I do still wanna feel that special once again afterall. Even though dad isn't here to make it for me anymore. Gosh..i'm tearing up writing this!!! Made me realise how much i miss him..
Meanwhile, hope everyone who have their birthday celebrated by others will truly appreciate it. The efforts people went to for you is not easy. Even though you are sabo-ed and all. And of course don't forget to thank your mum who went through all the pain to bring you into this world.
Happy birthday November babies!!
Which reminds me i've never had one before..
Don't get me wrong. I'm not hinting anything. I've been struggling awhile whether i should post this online. But then this has been bugging me for a long time and if i can't let it out here, my personal venting place, where else can it be?? Not many people's going to read anyway..
The best birthday i've ever had so far was my 8th. I remember dad let me choose whether i wanna go swimming or watch Toy Story that day. Both were my favourite past time. I had a hard time choosing and finally picked swimming instead. So the whole family went swimming at the evening. But then the surprise came after that.
Dad brought us to the cinema after swimming to watch Toy Story afterall!!=D.
Imagine the happy mini version of me jumping up in joy when i found out i got double treats on my b'day!!yay!!
Well, i guess i did have a b'day surprise after all...
Till now, the memory of that particular day is still vivid in my head. The name Toy Story alone still put a smile on my face. =)))))
Perhaps it was all that special because that's the last birthday i spent with dad before he fell sick.
Every year has been very different after that. Mostly unpleasant. The most horrible one was my 18th.
18th is supposed to be the one where everyone gives the vibe about, next to 21. But mine was a week after dad passed away. I didn't know what I should be feeling that day, when we held dad's 7th day ceremony at home. I wanted to tell everyone "it's my birthday today" but I couldn't. And i felt really horrible for even having the cheeck to think about my b'day at all...
19th started off all wrong. We had math mid-terms on that day. I forgot to bring my calculator to school and had to call mum to bring it over for me. The first thing mum said to me when she saw me that morning was literally "I'm so going to cut off your brain, u no-brainer!!"..What a b'day wish!! -_-"..With mid-terms and all, naturally everyone's busy mugging so nothing really exciting happened after that. Yes, not even a cake i think. The one shared with cw at her b'day party doesn't count. Even though that's very kind of her anyway..
20th and 21st wasn't that bad but it wasn't much to talk about too. 21st happened a month after ahmah's death but at least i still got to celebrate it in small scale with mum and yue...
All the other previous ones are just plain awful that I didn't even want to remember it. Till this day, May 23rd is a day i dread. Just because I would really hope it'll turn out good just to be dissapointed all over again. Sometimes I would even wish that I do not have a birthday. It's supposed to be a day where we feel special and loved as a human. Once a year. But no. Not the case for me.
I asked Mum to throw me a birthday party once. To that she that "Did you know that YOUR birthday is the day that I suffered in pain giving birth to YOU for hours? So you should be the one doing something special for me instead!". So true...To that I've no counter-argument at all.
But, I guess I do still wanna feel that special once again afterall. Even though dad isn't here to make it for me anymore. Gosh..i'm tearing up writing this!!! Made me realise how much i miss him..
Meanwhile, hope everyone who have their birthday celebrated by others will truly appreciate it. The efforts people went to for you is not easy. Even though you are sabo-ed and all. And of course don't forget to thank your mum who went through all the pain to bring you into this world.
Happy birthday November babies!!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tech Idiot
As embarassing as it can be, i'm exactly what the title of this post said. Tech and gadgets are a whole new different world for me. I only know sufficient basics if my life depended on it.
I suck so much at tech that i can never follow whenever we have any step-by-step tutorial assignment using computers. I'll always be the one raising my hand several times in class to practically tell the whole class "I can't follow larr..." before i gave up when i reach the point where it's just impossible to catch up with the rest. Or when i finally symphatize with the poor tutor who has to come to my rescue everytime i shot my hand up the air..
Now you know why my blog layout suck. I tried to add a comment box so that it's easier for everyone to have their say. But the freaking thing (yes, it's that hard for me -_-") kinda said that i've to make a donation before i can get my personal guestbook??
Somebody be kind and enlighten me please. You will be much appreciated for saving me from having extra dead braincells.
I suck so much at tech that i can never follow whenever we have any step-by-step tutorial assignment using computers. I'll always be the one raising my hand several times in class to practically tell the whole class "I can't follow larr..." before i gave up when i reach the point where it's just impossible to catch up with the rest. Or when i finally symphatize with the poor tutor who has to come to my rescue everytime i shot my hand up the air..
Now you know why my blog layout suck. I tried to add a comment box so that it's easier for everyone to have their say. But the freaking thing (yes, it's that hard for me -_-") kinda said that i've to make a donation before i can get my personal guestbook??
Somebody be kind and enlighten me please. You will be much appreciated for saving me from having extra dead braincells.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
ella-ella...eh eh eh...
why is the weather so temperamental? the sun is shining bright and strong outside now, even though it's nearly 6pm. why? just an hour earlier it rained cats and dogs, mouse and elephants, girrafe, tiger, lion and maybe the whole entire safari in Africa. thank god i was already at school. if i have to go to lesson in that downpour...i think i'll just skip it. what with the frilly little umbrella i got.
which reminds me of the Law lecture together. we learn about copyright today and the prof showed us the Umbrella video, both by Rihanna and Mandy Moore. Now that "ella-ella" thing is stuck on my head, playing itself over and over again like a never-ending-nagging-auntie. -_-"
don't get me wrong. i appreciate good songs. but too much of a good thing can be really bad. i really hate it when a particular song kept replaying itself in my head and distracting me from everything else including sleep..plain torture!!
i remember once it's the paddle-pop song. i couldn't freaking stop thinking about ice-creams for days...sheesh..
guess i'll have to bombard myself with plenty of other songs tonight. certainly hope i won't have dreams of umbrellas...
which reminds me of the Law lecture together. we learn about copyright today and the prof showed us the Umbrella video, both by Rihanna and Mandy Moore. Now that "ella-ella" thing is stuck on my head, playing itself over and over again like a never-ending-nagging-auntie. -_-"
don't get me wrong. i appreciate good songs. but too much of a good thing can be really bad. i really hate it when a particular song kept replaying itself in my head and distracting me from everything else including sleep..plain torture!!
i remember once it's the paddle-pop song. i couldn't freaking stop thinking about ice-creams for days...sheesh..
guess i'll have to bombard myself with plenty of other songs tonight. certainly hope i won't have dreams of umbrellas...
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