Monday, December 28, 2009

Heartfelt night..

current song: Don't Forget by Baek Ji Young



I'm coming to the end of my journey here in Korea, arguably the best highlight of my life so far. It's been a bitter sweet journey so far; filled with joy, happiness, amazements, frustrations, and a sprinkle of tears. However, now that everything is coming to an end soon, all I can remember is only the good times.



I sent off CM and LT last night(dawn?). Their last day here was such a memorable ones full of surprises. First, we received so much kindness from unexpected strangers; their Prof. XiaoYong who helped us drag our massive luggages to the post office to ship and only to drag it back when we found out it wasn't open, the bus driver who waited for us, and the Koreans (Dong Geun, Jae Hee, and Chang Geon) who put in so much effort to make their last day enjoyable, especially Dong Geun.



We started off with a lunch of ddakgalbi with DG, JH and CG. DG instantly won the "Best Man of the Day" award by giving out presents to each of us. He even showed off a little of his culinary skills. Lol. After some photo takings, CG have to leave earlier for some reason. The rest of us went to the Cake House Cafe to hang out instead. DG and JH wrote their contacts on post-its and pass it on to everyone. DG was being the dork the entire night. He took a lot of "concept" pictures with each of us and kept asking us to call him oppa. I kept telling him I can't coz I'm like older than him by 6 months. He didn't believe me until I showed him my ID. Haha. We kept writing other nonsense on the post-its and pass it to each other too. I wrote "no oppa aniya" a few times and gave them to DG. But that dork just erase the "ani" part and happily keep them every time i gave him a new one. Ish! Haha. After that we went to noraebang. On our way there, we stopped at the arcade and played the basketball, shooting, drum, and DDR game. JH totally rocked on the DDR. The guys later moved on to playthe "kiap kiap" game also. I told DG if he managed to "kiap" something I'll call him oppa. He got all fired up but alas, nothing was "kiap". So we continued our way to noraebang. Us singing like mad in there. Halfway, DG suddenly grabbed me and cued me to go outside. Once outside, he told me to get my coat and we are going out. For one crazy minute, I thought we are going on a some kind of date (he has a gf!). Turns out he wanna buy a cake to celebrate LT's belated 21st and her last night with CM in Korea. Unluckily, the bakery already closed, so we went to get choco pies and ice-creams as replacement instead and put candles on them. "Surprised" the girls with our makeshift cakes (they already saw it when we were outside putting the candles on) and continued to party the night away. Even the walk back to dorm was a special one. Halfway walking, DG pulled off another surprise when he suddenly went into the convenience store. Turns out he wanna buy hot drinks for all of us to warm us up on our way back to dorm. I told him to not waste his money coz we are too full to drink. The dork gave the best answer of the night; "It's not for drinking. It's for holding to keep you warm". How sweet is this guy? The good time continued- we all talked about our childhood favourite shows. It was another surprise to find out that they too, watched the likes of "Voltron", "Captain Planet", "Ninja Turtles", "Conan", "Pokemon", "Digimon", etc etc. Too soon, we reached our dorm.. The guys left us and went back. We spent the rest of the night helping LT and CM pack. Would've love to have more time to talk about things. I surprised everyone including myself by shedding some tears out of the blue, so unlike myself.. Jae Hee and Dong Geun came back to send them off at 6am at dawn, all the way in the cold freezing night. I cried again before going to sleep. Sent the 2 girls a message asking them to take care. CM called me after that and I swear my tear glands are like a leaky faucet liao. LT messaged me in reply. Finally went to sleep after a while..



It was a beautiful day. However, meeting CG also brought back some unwanted memories. Stuff that I've tossed deep down behind my skull that I thought I've forgotten. Stuff that I prefer to not think of.



Judging by the looks of it, no one is reading this blog anymore except myself. So, here we go. The honest confession finally. What really happened...



I met CG at CM's 21st birthday party. Didn't pay much attention to him until DG and him suddenly pull me n CM away and insisting we share a cab back together to school. The way they behaved was kinda suspicious. Then throughout the drinking session, I started to find him interesting. And I admit that I wished that it was me who was sitting next to him instead. We finally sat next to each other when they started telling ghost stories. I think that was when the chemistry begins. Can't really be put into words. It's the way we talked, looked and reacted to each other.. On our way back, we talked for more and the chemistry deepens. He told me something like different language doesn't really matter in a relationship.



The next morning he messaged and we ended up messaging each other for a bit. By then i think it's officially a crush. So, I spent the rest of the week digging my head for excuses to see him again. From cooking up lame excuse of asking him which cafe has wifi to chatting with him on msn (i swear he's good in sweet-talking), I tried so hard to get him to ask me out. On the several msn chat session, he told me he want a girlfriend but he didn't have anyone right now. Told(mislead) me that he wants a girl who's "172 cm tall, smart and open-minded". Of course I act blur as it doesn't mean anything at all and he continued to pry. He did asked me to his birthday party but LT turned down the invi to his birthday party so I turned him down too coz I thought that's what would be appropriate. And I think that's a wrong move coz that's when everything changed.



Perhaps god has decided He has given me enough chances and I never grab hard enough on them. So He decided to take it all back now.



After his birthday, there's nothing from him anymore. And the prideful me just can't bring myself to message him..So the wait continues, till that faithful Thursday night on the end of November. Where I saw him walking towards my direction, hand-in-hand, with another girl. I even tried to convince myself it wasn't him at first, until we were very close and there's no way to deny that we saw each other anymore. He gave a sheepish grin and waved a little in our direction. Looked kinda guilty and let go of the girl's hand, though I wasn't sure it was intentionally or not fo the girl went to pick up a stray tennis ball. I acted like what the Me will act; like everyone else who saw it. Do the "Eehhh" and gave a little knowing look. I'm not sure what but I just didn't feel good after that. Spent the night moody and being grilled by the other 3 girls who had long guessed that I like him (it wasn't exactly concealable). I denied everything even though I wanna admit them. The ego in me just wouldn't let me do it. It hurts having to lie through the layers of blanket and hurts even more knowing that they know I'm lying. They dropped it after a while though.



I thought that's the end of my humilation. But the real stab came the next day. CG suddenly appeared on msn after MIA for so long. Said hi to me. The rationale said to close the window but the little hope said to hear what he has to say- maybe that girl is nothing like what i think? The little hope wins. I replied hi back. He wasted no time typing " I have a girlfriend now. My love my love my love~~~~". Have the courtesy to asked me whether am I going for the winter workshop or not but waited no seconds for me to reply before telling me that he's to go and went offline.

I deleted him from my account ever since. Coz god knows how many hours I spent staring at the laptop screen and wishing for him to come online the previous week. I couldn't bear to go on being like that anymore, now that he has just broken the wall that I've so painstakingly build for years.

It really hurts to know, that the one time I've decided to let off my guard and give love a chance, that all my determination turns out to be nothing but a foolish wishful dream. It hurts to know that he doesn't even bat an eyelash to turn around and pretend that nothing ever happens. Except that that nothing did really happened...

It hurts that I would still see him at school sometimes. It hurts that I've to put on my sweetest smile and wave when I see him. It hurts when I had to see him when I am with LT/CM and he would over come to talk and I had to act like nothing happened. It hurts when I had to see him with the girl..

Eventually, the pain subsided. I thought it doesn't hurt anymore. I thought it's ok for me to smile and wave when I see him and not hurt at all. I thought it's ok for me to even see him with the girl.

But it's a small world indeed. For I didn't know the Korean in LT's skiing group, Hye Sung, who played games with us, would turn out to be CG's roommate. And how Hye Sung would know my name even though I didn't introduce myself. And how Hye Sung would say that he heard that my Korean is "good" and that I came to Korea because I like Korean dramas (misinformation) despite knowing me for barely 5 minutes. And how Hye Sung would say that he heard all this from his roommate, Chang Geon...

I couldn't describe how I felt back then. It's like all the things that I've been trying to forget just rush back at once. Images of CG showing off our conversation to HS just flashed in my mind. And I remembered that CG did mentioned about his roommate in one of our conversation. And I remembered the rest of the conversation. And I remembered the pain..

Still it was still ok until lunch yesterday. It took a lot for me to remain comfortable and not fidget weirdly. I was glad he left earlier. Coz it was really awkward for me when his around. We took pictures together before he left, just because everyone did so too.

And that's why I felt like such a loser now. For I couldn't helped looking at the pic with him for a long time, staring into his face while all the memories come back, and at the same time still able to notice how he has eye-smile.

SEP in Korea is coming to an end for me. I will take only the good memories with me. Everything shall start anew when I go back to Singapore. God has taught me how it feels to really like someone, even for a short while. For that, I am one step closer to being a complete person.

Grateful for everything that happened in the past 4 months. I shall return with a smile. =)

Friday, December 25, 2009

Of ski, snow, and all things white. =)

The past week was quite interesting.

Went skiing for the first time in my life. Fell like a 100 million times but it was so much fun! Was able to ski for a bit in the end.

Had some bonding sessions with the Korean and celebrated LT's 21st at the ski resort. It was refreshing from the usual stuff we do. Carol's antics are the bestttttt...

Went for the worst drinking session ever. The 2 girls and guys there only cared about making out. Major yucks...

Went clubbing with Sam, Bri, ZX, and Yi Xian and her friend who came over to visit. It was MAD! 2PM was in the house performing and everyone went ballastics. Haha. Danced the night away like there's no tomorrow...

Christmas dinner of samgyeopsal and padak chicken. It was Albert's last night here. Had some interesting talk over padak and it makes me ponder on things. Things which are not worth pondering that much anyways... Oh, it snowed on our way back. A white Christmas night. Lovely! =)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

S.E.O.U.L

If only I've seen this video earlier.


I would've walked around the city on my own.

Taking random snapshots of the city.


Cycling through the park overlooking Han River. Eye candies at the side will be a plus.





Plugging my music on and dancing under the bridge in the middle of the night.


Or find an open rooftop building overlooking the horizon, pretending the sky to be my stage, and twirling all my forgotten ballet steps on it.




And look out for a mascot with an overturned head on the street.


For he might just romance me with a scene like this.


And reveals himself to be the cute wangja that could only exist on tv screens.

Ok. Maybe not the wangja part.

But what I would love to do the most is this.


Nothing beats the feeling of being at high altitude, feeling the breeze on your face, overlooking the rest of the world below, and yelling out all your worries away.

Awesome!

Seoul is definitely infinitely yours that way.