Hip or Heat?

Every Christmas I'll go to Melaka with the family, a tradition. It's no different this year. We went to Jonker Street to have some of the mouth-watering cendol before going to Pahlawan.

The traffic was really bad. Cars were everywhere you'll think it's raining cars. Most of these cars have the number plate starting with "J...". Lots of Johoreans I guess. And we all Johoreans know that parking on public holiday requires no parking coupon but this isn't so for Melaka though. So,

I can see the traffic polices have fun going around saman-ing people that day. LOL!
The overall trip was pleasant I guess (everywhere is fun with the family (=). However there's one thing that bothers me though. There seems to be this "Ha-ha" trend going on in Melaka's fashion scene. For those who are not quite certain what is the "Ha-ha" trend, it refers to the Harajuku and Korean (i'm guessing Hanyang) fashion scene where the girls are dressed in flowery trapeze dress with lace-trimmings ala Lolita style.

Those sold in Pahlawan have more lace.

They might actually appealed as cute if not for one thing. The material used for these dressses are thick and rough canvas-like cloth.

Which makes me wonder. Either Malaysia is going to have winter soon or the merchants here are just deluded. How in the world is one going to wear those without drenching in excessive sweat? That's not counting those boots, woolen jacket and woolly caps that goes with the dress.

And to pay Rm199+ for a heat experience is just moronic. Why couldn't they use more practical and conventional materials such as chiffon or just normal cotton? That would certainly cut the cost and save some dare-devils from heat stroke.

Now, will someone work on the idea please?

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMOGMG!!!

OMOMOMOMGGGGGGG!!!!!

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!!

At last i know god didn't hate me for nuts. Yes! Thank you god and whoever else that bless me =). Thanks daddy, ahmah, ah gong, wai po, wai gong, and all other ancestors that blessed me!!

I survived the exam. =D

Cannot Tahan

Some people are just so free-loader. So 不会自动. Give them an inch they'll take a mile. Give them a bite they'll gobble up everything. Worst is if they are your "friends".

Seriously feel like slapping that stupid bitch. Asked to stay for a night, but ended up staying for 3, along with all her smelly belongings. Threw them around like nobody's business. Asked her to move her things liao since the roomie is coming back soon, but came back and found that all her stuffs were still sitting "innocently" there, stupid bitch nowhere in sight.

I am soooooo tempted to throw out all her clothes right now. My bad for letting her stay over in the 1st place. But that's only because she promised to pay! So far she "ti gong" (act dumb).

Go die la. Why mess my room when your boyfriend's just upstairs waiting for you to jump on his bed with open arms(or maybe legs?)? Surely he wouldn't mind you messing up his room a bit( i mean A LOT) just for that??

Silly Girl's dilemma

Silly Girl is starting to adapt to the new handball(did i meantion last post it was handball??) training team. She is starting to make friends with the other freshies despite being the oldest "freshie" there. It is all still a bit awkward but she is starting to make some impovements on her play, albeit only a little. Oh, and she gets to play her usual position again. =)

The team is now in the middle of a league. They got into semi-finals and the game was earlier this evening. Silly Girl did not get to play but she wished them all the best. Too bad the team lost by a mere fraction. =(

Nevertheless, the team still has to play for the 3rd and 4th placing tomorrow evening. The captain promised she would let Silly Girl play this time. But Silly Girl already made plans to go out with her sister tomorrow. And there is still the alumni games in the morning. Silly Girl thinks she might not have all the stamina to play both games.

Silly Girl is now wondering whether she should go for the league's game tomorrow or go shopping as planned earlier instead...

Update: Silly Girl went for the league's game in the end. The team won the game and it was a major boost for their morale. Silly Girl is happy that she decided to go with it =). Silly Girl also went shopping whole of today with her sister. Now her legs feels like jelly from all the running and walking in these two days.

Venus and Mars

Who said they(refer to title) only appear together once in a smiling moon?

I got them on my forehead right now. A few inches above my right eyebrow.

That's not all. I can feel Jupiter joining them soon. Sienz.....

Cravings..

Nasi lemak, wantan mee, McDonalds', sushi, bak chor mee, nasi panggang, claypot chicken rice, duck rice, rojak, popiah, lor mee, sizzling hotplate, chicken chop, chocolates,...

Nothing beats mum's home-cooked soup! yumm..

I'm going bonkers just thinking about it.. I mean "them".

Silly Girl should be renamed..

Once upon a time, Silly Girl loved trainings. She would look forward to each of them, be there on time, train with vigor and sweat like mad. Although she has the height and built which would be an advantage to her, she was not as good as the others no matter how hard she tried. Still, she had fun running around playing under the sun even if it made her complexion turned charcoal black or her muscle ached and screamed in protest. Why? That is because she had friends and seniors who would help her along the way, supporting and encouraging her all the time. Silly Girl was especially touched by the few seniors who were so patient with guiding her and doing their best to make her a good player while she couldn't even dribble the ball properly for nuts. Alas, Silly Girl couldn't make it into the main team after all the trainings. Still, she had a lot of fun and it was one of the best thing that she had picked up.

One year passed. Silly Girl made a pact with her fellow mates who couldn't make it in for the team too that they would train hard and get into the team this year. However, with a few turns of event, they couldn't attend all the trainings during school term due to things like lectures and sprained ankle. Still, Silly Girl wanted very much to get into the team, or just play for the fun of it. She talked to the captain many times, who was very very kind to still let her join the trainings.
Just when the long-awaited holiday trainings finally came, Silly Girl was frustrated once again. This time, her fellow mates decided to gave up on their pact because of some unforeseen circumstances. Although feeling quite disheartened, Silly Girl decided to continue with the trainings without them. She could really use some exercise anyway. Plus, everyone knows sports is a great stress-reliever.

However, things are now different from what they used to be. The players there had been training together for quite some time and had become acquainted with each other, including the freshies. Silly Girl literally stood out like sore thumb each time she went there because there's no one to talk to. She had a hard time time catching up with others too after missing most of the trainings. All these would still be fine if they are still willing to guide her along like how it used to be. The thing that dissapoint her the most is not the dirty looks some players throw her when she screw up some formations or when she couldn't even score a sure-goaler that was passed to her, but that the ex-captain(coach) assigned her to play a position which is very unfamiliar and not suitable for Silly Girl at all, knowing very well what position Silly Girl used to play last time. Hence, Silly Girl was always lost during the game, clueless as to what she should do. Needless to say, the poor performance did not really impress anyone and after a while, the ex-captain sort of gave up on Silly Girl and tend to sideline her instead, although she was very kind not to make it too obvious. Oh, how Silly Girl hoped the ex-captain would assign her to any other position but the current one.

Coming back from the most recent training Silly Girl realised she dreaded trainings now. They weren't fun at all last time. The worst part is not any of the thing mentioned above, but Silly Girl herself is a coward. Instead of voicing out her problem to the ex-captain, she chose to gave up on the pact that she made with her fellow mates long ago, accepting the fate that she just wasn't meant to be. Silly Girl is really troubled with what she should do now. She just couldn't do her best in the current situation, let alone playing well.

Silly Girl is sad. She did not know how or when had she became such a coward. She did not even know what she is afraid of. All she knows that she felt humbled everytime she saw the other players (especially the seniors) and her self-esteem plummeted a few stories into the ground. Silly Girl couldn't help hating herself sometimes. Silly Girl is still sad. All she could do now is immersing herself in the abundant dramas and movies found online, running away from the reality.

Silly Girl should be renamed Coward Girl.

why again??!!!

Stop barging into my life. I really wanna forget about you.

You suck.

You don't know how much you've hurt me before.
Not once but 3 times. 3 FREAKING TIMES!!!

Thanks to you I have a hard time opening up my heart again.
Thanks to you I was made the butt of jokes, looking like a fool.
Thanks to you I was left wondering what the hell is wrong with me for 2 years, before I finally realised the hell wrong is YOU who are too much of a coward and a pathetic attention-seeker.

Stop your honey-candy-sweet talk. They won't work on me anymore, because they are more like poison now.

Oh, how I wish you'll just dissapear. You dunno how many times I've brutally murdered you in my head. My favourite being stomping on your big-stupid-thick-skulled head repeatedly until it's smashed up like mashed potato plus some gooey bloody minced meat.

Leave me alone, you sucker!!

Shower Musing

I'm currently using The Body Shop Pomegranate Shower Gel. The one that I used before this was the Passion Fruit Shower Gel, also from The Body Shop. Both were given to me by the girls as my 21st b'day pressie because they find me too stinky.

I absolutely loved the Passion Fruit one as it has a wonderful lovely smell. A lot of people said they love my shower gel too when I lend it to them.

But everytime I use the Pomegranate one, I couldn't help being bothered by its smell. It has a grassy-metallic scent which is very different from whatever fruitty scent you would normally expect. In fact, the smell reminded me of a little yellow bug which I used to find at my ahmah's house when I was small. We call it the stinky bug. The smell wouldn't go away for days once u've touch it, even if u wash it with loads of soap.

I'm not the only one who finds that the Pomegranate smells weird. The older sis who used it before said the same thing. Even Airin asked me to use the Passion Fruit one first because the Pomegranate one smells a bit weird when she passed them to me.

I'll still use it though since it's a b'day present.

Well, at least my shampoo smells nice.=D

p/s: I'm only joking about the me stinky part. I'll smell nice even if I don't bathe for 3 days...not that I've tried before though.

I'm back!!

Gone for holiday and have been busy with movie marathon lately. Currently caught up with "Moonlight Resonance", the HK drama equivalent of "Heroes". Normally I'm more of a J-drama fan but I can really see what's the hype with "Moonlight Resonance"- big family drama, good acting, quirky humor, all top up with good-looking actors is a sure win combination.

Came back to Sg on Thurday night for sports training. I'm still aching now from handball and floorball yesterday, too long never exercise i guess. Totally sucked at handball yesterday. So much so that I got knocked down by a pretty girly girl half my size until I landed square on my butt and literally rolled a few feet towards the goal post (not really but at least that's what the captain desbribed it to be -___-"""). SUPER PAISEH lar!!! It's like all the food I crammed in to my stomach just contributed to the gravity. And the love handles...-___-""
Floorball wasn't really a blast but considering it was only my second training and there are loads of seniors and experienced floorballers around, my performance was still acceptable.

I shall write about the outing with the gang and the genting trip with the family soon. Meanwhile, here's a story which just show how much of a "genius" I am.

It happened on the morning I went back home. I did the laundry on the previous night and hanged it outside, hoping it would dry by the next morning before I went back home. Being a cold rainy night that night, of course they were still damp the next morning. I wanted to leave early at 8am that day to avoid the crowd since it would be a long holiday with raya haji on Monday. I kept thinking what I should do with the clothes. I can't just left them hanging outside while I was gone for more than a week. While I was walking around, trying to figure out a solution, and that's when the great idea strucks me. Lo and behold I saw a spot where the ray of the shining bright sun hits on near the staircase. I quickly moved my clothe rack there, thinking that the clothes should be dried within an hour.
Then, I went about surfing and doing my own things, grinning ear-to-ear all and couldn't help marvelling at my own cleverness. The "Sustagenius" advertisement song (I'm such a ge-ni-us, such is a genius buddy such~~..something like that lar) playing in my head all the while.

After one hour, I went to check on the clothes again but the sun was already hiding behind the clouds. Needless to say, the clothes were still damp. So I thought "1 more hour". It was already nearing 11 then. It was only 20 more minutes later that I suddenly realised. There's an even more ingenious solution out there besides the "sunny spot" which would have solved my problem in an instance- an ingenious creation known as the "Dryer Machine" sitting quietly in the laundry room downstairs..

That's also when I was reminded of an old saying.

"There's only a thin line difference between the genius and the idiot".

A fringe to celebrate?

It's finally over, the uber-torturous-creating-a-hole-in-your-stomach-exam. Might be my worst performance ever up-to-date but, well, at least it's over!!!

Meanwhile, my hair really grew a lot while I was mugging like mad. Thinking whether i should get a fringe now. Not like the china doll fringe but one like this

Nice? Can be irritating though. How it'll keep falling over my eyes..But will totally complement my big forehead rite? Hehe

Caffeine intoxication

I love coffee. But their effects on me is equivalent to drugs like marijuana or heroine (although i've never tried them before) and they last for hours and hours.

Supposed to drink a bit of coffee to keep me awake. But the effects was too strong and my plan backfired! Now i'm experiencing nervousness, shivers and a bit too lightheaded that i can't even concentrate on studying at all. Heck, i'm having a hard time to even type this properly. God knows how many times i've to use the backspace to correct me typo!!

And it's not like i had a lot lor..Barely half a cup of white coffee. Oh why? Why like that?
Anyone knows how to reverse this stupid effect? Coz i rili love coffee but have to restraint myself from drinking it each time because of this. AARRRGHHHH!!

Sidenote: I feel like I can run a million miles now. Maybe i should have coffee before sports training next time. The effects will be interesting, I think.

Side sidenote: I think i won't be able to sleep tonight. =(

Counting down...

To 2nd dec.

The day where i finish my exam. The day where i finish this lousy semester. And most importantly the day i'm starting anew from scratch.

21 years and more. That's how long i've been living and that's how long i've been regretting it. Enough is enough. I know i've been rambling about how life sucks and i can't wait to die. But apparently The One up there has other plans and decides otherwise. Since that's the case, i shall live everyday fully with no regrets till the day i die, even if it's tomorrow.

In the past i've been living safely- in other words, BORING. I ended up regretting all the things i could've done but did not. Just simply because i was scared of the uncertainties that lie ahead. And also to try to fit in with everybody.

Now i shall rather regret what i've done than what i've not done.

On top of my to-do list is to look HOT..haha. Life is short. Youth is even shorter. If i don't work for the hotness now it'll just get even harder with time. God might've not bequeathed me with great genes but that's not going to stop me. With all the technologies available now, i shall get a nose job if i ever did feel like getting one. xp.

This might seem shallow to most people. Of course they'll argue that looks is not everything. But i believe that looks makes up a big portion of someone. Everyone wants to look good. My belated ahmah said this once " 不爱美不是人"(which literally means every human wants to look good). I was still too young to really comprehend the meaning then. Now i think this is the wisest thing my ahmah has ever said because looks might not be everything but it certainly can make or break someone, especially one's confidence. That doesn't mean that ugly people should go dig themselves a hole and live in it. The key is to BELIEVE yourself, that you are indeed beautiful. So, it's ok to be all hairy, fat, greasy hair, pimply big moles, crooked nose, 3 eyes, 4 mouths and whatever else, as long as you are hapy and comfortable with it. In my case, it just takes a little more to convince myself that. hehe. Besides, what's wrong with being more pleasant on the eyes for others?? People love to see beautiful things don't they??

Next on, i shall not run away from any problems ever again. I tend to avoid problems especially when the stress pile up high. No more excuses for not doing something. I shall take every challenge that comes my way and wrestle it down to the ground. Be it solving the economy recession or cleaning that super dusty blind in my room..Oh, no more blaming anything i can think of when something goes wrong too.

I shall also stop acting dumb-or smart sometimes-in front of people. I shall not say things i do not mean just to please others. I shall stop living my life trying to please everyone. Trust me, you'll only end up being the most displeased one; no matter how much you do, people just don't apreciate that much. I don't know whether you all still know this but remember the "what i want to be in my next life" post i wrote in Friendster's blog last time? The one that wynken so happily "copied" it? Well, it just strikes me why wait till next life? I shall start now. At least the part where i look gorgeous and say no to people. For the filthy rich part, rest assured i'll make it my life-long mission to marry a damn rich husband and be spoiled by him. =)

There are still a lot more i want to do. The most important thing i learn is to stop whining and waiting the sky to rain gold coins instead whenever something goes wrong. Oppoturnities don't come banging on your door. They'll only barely smirk at your dirty doormat as they whizzed pass, if they ever do passby. Thus, it's up to us to chase it (or hunt if it decides your doormat isn't even worth smirking at) down to grab it and wipe that annoying smirk off it's face. Take that you s**ker!!

You are not obliged to read everything i've wrote so far. But in case you do, you'll probably be wondering why the sudden optimism after all the "just_let_me_die_already_posts". Well, i went running today and that clears my head. I realised i don't want to just die getting run down by the shuttle bus (refer to previous post) yet. Certainly don't want to die not ever trying the bungee jump, all the delicious food all over the world, bla bla bla.. and certainly not still a virgin..That'll be damn sad lar. Imagine my tombstone displaying

"Born a virgin.
Live a virgin.
Die a virgin."

The spirits at the other side would probably make fun of me everyday and my after-life will be even sadder than the one here. This is how i imagined them to talk among themselves. Two typical male Malaysians' spirits. Hence, the Manglish.

Spirit A: Eh, see the newcomer? Not bad le. Quite sui.

Ghost B: But hor, i heard she's still a virgin le. It's not like she's still underage or what lo. Adult already le. She's probably never even had an ah boi before. You think what's wrong with her ar?

Spirit A: Har? Like that ar. Maybe she has AIDS le? Or she'll eat her mate like praying cockroach. Mantis? What's that? Aiya, see how fast she eat the joss-sticks. So scary. It's possible lo!

Ghost B: Eee..I don't want friend her already la. Since you say she sui, you go xian her la. Don't say i never give you chance ar, brudder.

Spirit A: You very pandai hor. Don't want already only give me. Act generous somemore. KNS. Go die lar.

Ghost B: I already did what.

Spirit A: Yahor. hehe.paiseh ar.

Me: (listening to everything they said coz they were practically shouting at each other) -__-""

Bloody hell. Cannot be the guys here blind mer?
And for the record, i'm not in a hurry to lose it. Just that it'll really be a waste to die without even experiencing love once.


Amazing what a simple run can do to one's head right?

This post shall serve as a reminder to me if i ever lost my determination along the way. Thanks to everyone who cared so far. May you all get to eat good food everyday.=D

Can you hear the breaking sound?

yeah. that's my heart you heard.

it broke yesterday and somehow it's still breaking into more pieces today. more like crushing. it's a miracle that i'm actually not dead yet. now i know it's impossible to die from a broken heart. but you'll inevitably live long enough to suffer the aftermaths..

enough is enough. yesterday was the last straw. the biggest blow for the poor battered heart to hold up anymore. if all that happened before this were like being flung bricks at, yesterday was like someone just drop a 1000000 tonnes boulder on the heart. how isit possible for anything to survive that??

but judging by the trend of how things turned out lately, i wouldn't be surprised if i got hit by the shuttle bus tomorrow or something just as bad.

oh my poor heart. it couldn't even rest in peace now when it's already in pieces (pun unintended).

can you blame me then for couldn't help feeling a bit happier thinking about the suicidal options i had?.

Of pink and weird dreams..

I realise most popular "bimbo" blogs are pink. xiaxue's pink, cheesie's pink, pinkpau's pink,..even huiyi's blog is pink.

Maybe i should turn here into a pink bimbo blog too once i'm done with exams. Can imagine me posting up various pictures of myself pouting and acting chio already? Talk about nothing but the awesomeness of designer clothes and the wonders of bubbles and cotton candy and loves? Puntuating every single sentence with "omg!", "totally" and "like"? like "it was like, so omg totally so gorgeous, and i so like totally heart it!!! loves..".

Lol. Don't faint, people. Afterall, i did used to be obssessed all over pink and barbie dolls when i was much younger. Heck, i've even did ballet complete with the tights and tutus. -__-"

That is if i survive the exam. I think i'm really going bonkers even if i don't die from it. Why?
Just the day before yesterday i dreamt of one of my close girl-friend here kissing me all over when she would normally accuse me of molesting her if i ever so much of accidentally brush against her fingernail. That irritating banshee...

And last night i dreamt of the other two of the PFM trio (i'm the third one) actually look deep into each other's eyes before kissing each other. Nevermind that one of them is totally devoted to her long time relationship with a certain curly-haired prodigy(who's currently residing in the UK). What's worst is that they claimed it's a proven way that helps in studying and i should try it too. With THEM!
wtf...i woke up in cold sweat...

Can absolutely conclude now that exams seriously screw my head.
Leave my dreams alone can?

die..

yeah.

i can officially die when the result for my Proffesional Communication module is out.

enjoying my remaining time till then.
with more studying...

yeah. that's right.

my life sucks.

pre-exam incoherence

paper tomorrow and i've not yet study for it at all.

i just wanna eat all the gorgeous food.
i just wanna watch my favourite show.
i just wanna play and run.

i don't wanna study for exam, not when i know i can't do well.
i don't know how to study now, when the big "B" is hanging on my head.

damn sien.

can everyone stop telling me "life's like that lar..".
can tell me to just screw exam and go have fun instead?

gah. what am i saying??

i need to study for exam....

=(

Le sigh~~

Why are we extremely sleepy during exam?

Why can the roomie sleep at least 10 hours a day when she too, has exams like me?

Why can't we mug without living on chocolates and other junk?

And why do those said chocs n junk have to show on our tummy and faces?

Dark circles, pimples and fats....

Do I need to say more?? Le sigh~~~

Stressed...

I'm so stressed out by the structural system project and exams. More so than those pre-stressed concrete. If u cut me open i think i'll snap in half and the force that i release can practically injure someone...piak!!!

Here's the equation:

Stress---->insomnia + chocolate cravings------>pimples and fat -____-"""

Back to the aforementioned project which induced this post in the first place. *sien*

WT FREAKING F??

I AM DAMN PISSED OFF.

Seriously wtf???
Why can't that stupid lady do things properly?
What happened to my SEP application?

If this jeopardises my chance of going for SEP next year i'm so seriously going to cry. And maybe kill someone.

This is like the only reason i can still move on, the one small tiny bright light that i'm looking forward to. The only chance i have to get out of this shit hole. And thanks to some inefficient stupid procedure it has to go "poof!!!".

It's totally not fair. No. I refused to let it be like this.

Excuse me while i go to sharpen my parang right now..


Update: We brought up our case to the prof in charge of SEP (did i mention another friend of mine who's a dean's lister got missed out too??). He said he'll try his best to appeal for another places for us, but he can't guarantee us anything. The freaking namelist has been sent out to everyone so there's no way they can retract it. I still can't help blowing up everytime someone ask me about this. Wouldn't you too if you know perfectly well you would've definitely secure a place if not for a certain dumb lady's mistake??

Again??!!

Die. Second post in such a short time..

I really should be studying.

Exam is stressing enough. Makes people have lots of random thoughts.

Kena saman because of a RM0.60 parking coupon AGAIN is like the cherry on top of your year. Makes people really want to scream their lungs out. If only I can wipe that stupid smirk off the officer's face...

Being caught lying just to get an extra piece of fruit has to be the cream of the crop. Now I'm officially on Aunty Grumpy's blacklist forever.

Die..

Why oh why depressing events have to unfold themselves one after another continuosly? Why can't they talk it through and take turns doing it slowly?

It's true then that it never rains but it showers.

I'm such a drama queen... Amazing though how I can make a drama out of this even-more-amazingly-boring life....

Musing with Death

Have you ever thought of death? As in suicide?

I certainly did quite a handful of times. Like there are just times I'll toy with the idea of jumping from some building, downing a cup of pills, or jumping in front of a truck or the mrt. I've even went so far as deciding cutting wrist and drowning are not fesible for me..too much pain.

There are just times when I'll just feel real dissapointed with how my life turned out to be. Everything seems wrong. Unexciting. Sometimes there's just no motivation for me to continue living at all (except food). I don't want to slug my ass away and live the rest of my life like what I'm doing now.

Everyday's a struggle.

There's no meaning at all to live like this. I could die without any regrets now if I have to live through whatever shit I'm living right now forever.

What about others you said? WHAT about others? WHAT do they care about my life? As much as I know, I'm more of a trouble to people than a help..literally pain in the ass. Ask yourself honestly if you would. How many times have my presence had been joy? How many times have I bring more trouble and annoyance upon you? Would it make such a big difference if I am not around?

I myself wouldn't care of an existance as such.

They would be better off without me. Sure they might grieved for a while, but then I'm pretty sure they can move on after that.

This isn't some sudden depression in the moment in case you are wondering. No. It's not depression at all. The idea of ending it all has always been there since long long time ago. The thought of after-life has always fascinated me. Wondering what it would be on the other side. Maybe there isn't any at all. Well, it's not like there's anything much here also..

Is this normal? Is it ok for me to continue living like this? Anticipating the day I leave this world? In the meanwhile living half-heartedly with everything I do and plastering a smile on my face everyday as if I'm enjoying life so much?

There's no one I can talk to about this in person. Who wouldn't freak out if someone tells you something like this? I have enough. I only wish I really have the courage of ending it all instead of blogging about it here pathethically.

Either that or something joyful better happen soon...

"Life is cheap. Especially mine." -Heero Yui-

Birthday surprises

So many birthdays around. So many "surprises" going around. Happy happy mood..=)

Which reminds me i've never had one before..

Don't get me wrong. I'm not hinting anything. I've been struggling awhile whether i should post this online. But then this has been bugging me for a long time and if i can't let it out here, my personal venting place, where else can it be?? Not many people's going to read anyway..

The best birthday i've ever had so far was my 8th. I remember dad let me choose whether i wanna go swimming or watch Toy Story that day. Both were my favourite past time. I had a hard time choosing and finally picked swimming instead. So the whole family went swimming at the evening. But then the surprise came after that.

Dad brought us to the cinema after swimming to watch Toy Story afterall!!=D.

Imagine the happy mini version of me jumping up in joy when i found out i got double treats on my b'day!!yay!!

Well, i guess i did have a b'day surprise after all...

Till now, the memory of that particular day is still vivid in my head. The name Toy Story alone still put a smile on my face. =)))))

Perhaps it was all that special because that's the last birthday i spent with dad before he fell sick.
Every year has been very different after that. Mostly unpleasant. The most horrible one was my 18th.

18th is supposed to be the one where everyone gives the vibe about, next to 21. But mine was a week after dad passed away. I didn't know what I should be feeling that day, when we held dad's 7th day ceremony at home. I wanted to tell everyone "it's my birthday today" but I couldn't. And i felt really horrible for even having the cheeck to think about my b'day at all...

19th started off all wrong. We had math mid-terms on that day. I forgot to bring my calculator to school and had to call mum to bring it over for me. The first thing mum said to me when she saw me that morning was literally "I'm so going to cut off your brain, u no-brainer!!"..What a b'day wish!! -_-"..With mid-terms and all, naturally everyone's busy mugging so nothing really exciting happened after that. Yes, not even a cake i think. The one shared with cw at her b'day party doesn't count. Even though that's very kind of her anyway..

20th and 21st wasn't that bad but it wasn't much to talk about too. 21st happened a month after ahmah's death but at least i still got to celebrate it in small scale with mum and yue...

All the other previous ones are just plain awful that I didn't even want to remember it. Till this day, May 23rd is a day i dread. Just because I would really hope it'll turn out good just to be dissapointed all over again. Sometimes I would even wish that I do not have a birthday. It's supposed to be a day where we feel special and loved as a human. Once a year. But no. Not the case for me.

I asked Mum to throw me a birthday party once. To that she that "Did you know that YOUR birthday is the day that I suffered in pain giving birth to YOU for hours? So you should be the one doing something special for me instead!". So true...To that I've no counter-argument at all.

But, I guess I do still wanna feel that special once again afterall. Even though dad isn't here to make it for me anymore. Gosh..i'm tearing up writing this!!! Made me realise how much i miss him..


Meanwhile, hope everyone who have their birthday celebrated by others will truly appreciate it. The efforts people went to for you is not easy. Even though you are sabo-ed and all. And of course don't forget to thank your mum who went through all the pain to bring you into this world.

Happy birthday November babies!!

Tech Idiot

As embarassing as it can be, i'm exactly what the title of this post said. Tech and gadgets are a whole new different world for me. I only know sufficient basics if my life depended on it.

I suck so much at tech that i can never follow whenever we have any step-by-step tutorial assignment using computers. I'll always be the one raising my hand several times in class to practically tell the whole class "I can't follow larr..." before i gave up when i reach the point where it's just impossible to catch up with the rest. Or when i finally symphatize with the poor tutor who has to come to my rescue everytime i shot my hand up the air..

Now you know why my blog layout suck. I tried to add a comment box so that it's easier for everyone to have their say. But the freaking thing (yes, it's that hard for me -_-") kinda said that i've to make a donation before i can get my personal guestbook??

Somebody be kind and enlighten me please. You will be much appreciated for saving me from having extra dead braincells.

ella-ella...eh eh eh...

why is the weather so temperamental? the sun is shining bright and strong outside now, even though it's nearly 6pm. why? just an hour earlier it rained cats and dogs, mouse and elephants, girrafe, tiger, lion and maybe the whole entire safari in Africa. thank god i was already at school. if i have to go to lesson in that downpour...i think i'll just skip it. what with the frilly little umbrella i got.

which reminds me of the Law lecture together. we learn about copyright today and the prof showed us the Umbrella video, both by Rihanna and Mandy Moore. Now that "ella-ella" thing is stuck on my head, playing itself over and over again like a never-ending-nagging-auntie. -_-"

don't get me wrong. i appreciate good songs. but too much of a good thing can be really bad. i really hate it when a particular song kept replaying itself in my head and distracting me from everything else including sleep..plain torture!!

i remember once it's the paddle-pop song. i couldn't freaking stop thinking about ice-creams for days...sheesh..

guess i'll have to bombard myself with plenty of other songs tonight. certainly hope i won't have dreams of umbrellas...

Finally..

Finally created a decent blog where i can blog properly..

The title is reflective of exactly what i define myself now - hollow & empty
a hollow and empty face
a hollow and empty stomach
a hollow and empty life (except for tonnes of schoolwork -_-")
a hollow and empty space
a hollow and empty dream
a hollow and empty soul...

It's amazing how much "nothing-ness" is in this seemingly big and solid container a.k.a my body.

Maybe it's made of subtances similar to the black hole? Which will really explain the bottom-less pit in my stomach..