Just feel like I have to write something.
I can't focused. The test is tomorrow but I've barely skimmed through a few chapters.
I can't stop looking at old pictures. Can't stop checking the new notifications on Facebook.
FB feels like my only connection to the outside world now. All other means of communications are cut short.
I guess the unfocused/ unmotivated feeling all constitued by one cause- loneliness.
I get so bored and insecure I really can't focus. Desperate for any form of communications, I'll disturb anyone on msn that seems available, only to end up with nothing to talk about. Same thing when mum calls.
The Big Sis is getting married soon. So, obviously she's sweet on her future husband now- they both are. We no longer spend time talking to each other on msn, no longer meet up on weekends for shopping trips now. Everytime I see her, the future brother-in-law will be there. Not that I'm not happy for both of them-in fact I couldn't be happier she found someone so nice who gets along well with our family too- but I really misses the time when only we sisters spent together doing things...
The Baby Sis is working now. Busy till night everyday. Obviously, no chance to talk to her for a long time. I miss messing and fooling around with her. Miss bullying her to the max, and laughing at her annoyed face. Miss all the gibberish we speak to each other and yet, understand each other perfectly.
At least, in Korea, I could just go over to room 414 anytime in the middle of the night when I'm feeling lonely. Even though the occupants there might not layan me so much sometimes, at least I won't feel so alone, for I know we've got only each other in a foreign land.
Coming back to sg just makes everything more surreal. I'm losing touch with the reality world everyday. It feels like a big part of me is evaporating slowly everyday as I waste time like this away day by day.
I haven't figured out what I want to do in the future. The stagnant position that I am in now makes me very uneasy. What should I do?
I realise I'm beginning to lose the flair to talk to people. Normal conversation, chit chats. I couldn't keep the flow going and didn't know what else to say anymore. It's scaring me. Soon, I'll just become a mute with a voice if this continues on.
"I'm just a little girl lost in the moment, I'm so scared but I don't show it." -The Show, Lenka
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
A picture speaks a thousand words..
The old primary school photos that Hazwanee uploaded on facebook are causing a lot of commotions. It is just so funny and amusing to see ourselves more than 10 years back. People do change overtime. But, surprisingly, I could still recognise and remember most of them. Even those who I've never heard from after primary school. Scenes from those (not so) innocent days just started to play around my head. The days where we had choir practices during music lessons for the performance. Days where I would fool around with Suz, Ah Lee, and I can't remember who elses during practice. The day where we all scrunched up our noses n sulked because of the bling bling ala getai skirt that we got, along with the polka dot hair band (gigantic head bow in my case) that we have to wear on our head. Those days were funny. The yellowing of the picture just made those memories even more nolstalgic.
Then there was the standard 6 picture. To be honest, t'was a hard year for me. More unpleasant memories than happy ones then. I was a rebel at school. Well, as much of one you can get in a top class. Anyways, I would slack off my homework, not handing them up for months, got out of group projects because no one would take me in their groups, lie through my way to save my own ass when the teachers confront me for all my misbehaviours, and a lot more which I am even ashamed to mentioned here. The girls would shy away from me no matter how hard I try to fit in. Perhaps because I stood out like a sore thumb physically, or perhaps because I wasn't completely honest with them on a lot of things because I just couldn't. For example, they would be questioning why I still could receive the book loan scheme from school when I am staying in this huge-ass house. I would try to explain my circumstances but it was so hard for a 12-year-old to make her peers understand without revealing so much. In the end, they just call me a liar.. I guess that's one of the reasons I started to be a black sheep amongst them.
Speaking of the book loan scheme, that's another part of school which I hated so much. It was just downright difficult to explain to the teachers why I would need the scheme. Mind you, I was only 10 then. And I had to go through the sickening experience every year thereafter. What about my mother you ask? You see, my mum would reason that I could speak malay way better than her so I should explain it to the teachers instead (Her command of malay/english is quite poor). Besides, she was way too busy to take care of that, having to shuffle between hospitals and hospitals to take care of my dad. And the 10-year-old me would be bug down with the stress to earn myself that loan scheme. God knows what consequences await if I fail. Mum did her part though, even going as far as to get the MCA delegate/ some other politician to certify a declaration letter explaining our situation to the school. I still remember, the first time I tried explaning to Mrs. Nathan, our class teacher then, I cried in front of the whole class because I was at the end of my wits on how to get the teacher to understand. She asked me so much questions in front of everyone else that I felt it's more like an integoration. It didn't help that I was blacklisted by her for not submitting my homework on time or something. It was such an embarrassing episode that I vowed on that day afterwards to never ever cry again in front of other people. Especially when it comes to explaining the "circumstances".
I guess that's why I learn to grew up the tough way. I would defense myself against others by being harsh with my words. I would be very careful to not reveal any sign of weakness to others as well. I would built up a wall around my heart and always put up a tough exterior. And somewhere along the way, I had pick up the Craft of Cunningness which just end the innocent years of the pre-pubescent me.
Thank god, I have learned to cry again. Because tears are just words that can't be spoken from the heart.
Why am I rambling away now? All these just because of a couple of old photos that have surfaced on facebook..
As far as I know, I don't want to go back to those years ever again.
I should go and sleep now.
Then there was the standard 6 picture. To be honest, t'was a hard year for me. More unpleasant memories than happy ones then. I was a rebel at school. Well, as much of one you can get in a top class. Anyways, I would slack off my homework, not handing them up for months, got out of group projects because no one would take me in their groups, lie through my way to save my own ass when the teachers confront me for all my misbehaviours, and a lot more which I am even ashamed to mentioned here. The girls would shy away from me no matter how hard I try to fit in. Perhaps because I stood out like a sore thumb physically, or perhaps because I wasn't completely honest with them on a lot of things because I just couldn't. For example, they would be questioning why I still could receive the book loan scheme from school when I am staying in this huge-ass house. I would try to explain my circumstances but it was so hard for a 12-year-old to make her peers understand without revealing so much. In the end, they just call me a liar.. I guess that's one of the reasons I started to be a black sheep amongst them.
Speaking of the book loan scheme, that's another part of school which I hated so much. It was just downright difficult to explain to the teachers why I would need the scheme. Mind you, I was only 10 then. And I had to go through the sickening experience every year thereafter. What about my mother you ask? You see, my mum would reason that I could speak malay way better than her so I should explain it to the teachers instead (Her command of malay/english is quite poor). Besides, she was way too busy to take care of that, having to shuffle between hospitals and hospitals to take care of my dad. And the 10-year-old me would be bug down with the stress to earn myself that loan scheme. God knows what consequences await if I fail. Mum did her part though, even going as far as to get the MCA delegate/ some other politician to certify a declaration letter explaining our situation to the school. I still remember, the first time I tried explaning to Mrs. Nathan, our class teacher then, I cried in front of the whole class because I was at the end of my wits on how to get the teacher to understand. She asked me so much questions in front of everyone else that I felt it's more like an integoration. It didn't help that I was blacklisted by her for not submitting my homework on time or something. It was such an embarrassing episode that I vowed on that day afterwards to never ever cry again in front of other people. Especially when it comes to explaining the "circumstances".
I guess that's why I learn to grew up the tough way. I would defense myself against others by being harsh with my words. I would be very careful to not reveal any sign of weakness to others as well. I would built up a wall around my heart and always put up a tough exterior. And somewhere along the way, I had pick up the Craft of Cunningness which just end the innocent years of the pre-pubescent me.
Thank god, I have learned to cry again. Because tears are just words that can't be spoken from the heart.
Why am I rambling away now? All these just because of a couple of old photos that have surfaced on facebook..
As far as I know, I don't want to go back to those years ever again.
I should go and sleep now.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
There's a new infatuation. And it brought along a strange dream.
And there are a lot of stresses. And it brought along anxiety.
If only we can runaway to Lala-Land forever. OK, maybe not. But long enough to evade the problem.
What would you do when the road in front is block by so many obstacles and yet your goal is just so near? Would you ram head first into the obstacles and brave through it or would you make a U-turn and try to find another exit out?
I am still merely sitting in front of the obstacles and pondering, not making any progress.
A tortured soul...
And there are a lot of stresses. And it brought along anxiety.
If only we can runaway to Lala-Land forever. OK, maybe not. But long enough to evade the problem.
What would you do when the road in front is block by so many obstacles and yet your goal is just so near? Would you ram head first into the obstacles and brave through it or would you make a U-turn and try to find another exit out?
I am still merely sitting in front of the obstacles and pondering, not making any progress.
A tortured soul...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
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