Musing with Death

Have you ever thought of death? As in suicide?

I certainly did quite a handful of times. Like there are just times I'll toy with the idea of jumping from some building, downing a cup of pills, or jumping in front of a truck or the mrt. I've even went so far as deciding cutting wrist and drowning are not fesible for me..too much pain.

There are just times when I'll just feel real dissapointed with how my life turned out to be. Everything seems wrong. Unexciting. Sometimes there's just no motivation for me to continue living at all (except food). I don't want to slug my ass away and live the rest of my life like what I'm doing now.

Everyday's a struggle.

There's no meaning at all to live like this. I could die without any regrets now if I have to live through whatever shit I'm living right now forever.

What about others you said? WHAT about others? WHAT do they care about my life? As much as I know, I'm more of a trouble to people than a help..literally pain in the ass. Ask yourself honestly if you would. How many times have my presence had been joy? How many times have I bring more trouble and annoyance upon you? Would it make such a big difference if I am not around?

I myself wouldn't care of an existance as such.

They would be better off without me. Sure they might grieved for a while, but then I'm pretty sure they can move on after that.

This isn't some sudden depression in the moment in case you are wondering. No. It's not depression at all. The idea of ending it all has always been there since long long time ago. The thought of after-life has always fascinated me. Wondering what it would be on the other side. Maybe there isn't any at all. Well, it's not like there's anything much here also..

Is this normal? Is it ok for me to continue living like this? Anticipating the day I leave this world? In the meanwhile living half-heartedly with everything I do and plastering a smile on my face everyday as if I'm enjoying life so much?

There's no one I can talk to about this in person. Who wouldn't freak out if someone tells you something like this? I have enough. I only wish I really have the courage of ending it all instead of blogging about it here pathethically.

Either that or something joyful better happen soon...

"Life is cheap. Especially mine." -Heero Yui-