No title because it's on nothingness..

Ok. I know this gets really old and boring by now. But exam is less than 2 weeks away and I haven't done any studying yet. Everytime I hold the lecture notes in my hand, I either end up 1) surfing the net for some bohliao-ness or 2) dozing away.

Unlike the past, this is the first time I couldn't care less about exam. No motivation to study, no drive to do anything, not even fear of failinf exams. Perhaps it's got to do with the dawning realisation that concrete, building, and measurement isn't what I really want to do for the rest of my life. M&E sounds like an alien language to me no matter how many times I read it. Who knows basic appliances like air-con and water-pipes in our daily life can be such a pain to deal with??

I told mum several times what I'm going through right now, albeit jokingly. But I think she could sense my distress too and kept telling me to jiayou besides the usual it's important to get a degree in life bla bla bla stuffs. I'm glad that she is so understanding. I couldn't imagine my life if I'm not studying in University now too. But somehow, this is so different.

I used to enjoy studying very much (laugh and call me a nerd however much you want, hahaha, but I'm serious). I don't mean school life and friends, but the real studying process itself, where you learn new things, get it in your system, fully decipher it, and BAM, new knowledge in your head. Oh, of course getting a good score in exam is bonus thrill too.

But lately, everything seems gloomy and boring. It seems like I rather rot my life away ogling some useless boybands than pursuing what is really important in my life. All I wanna do is sit in front of my laptop, youtube, surf, eat whatever's in my room, and back to youtube again. I've even forsaken precious sleep in the quest of youtubing all the relevant links to whatever nonsense I've watched before, hence, I usually found myself dragging my half-concious body to lecture the next day. The vicious cycle continues after whatever lessons and lectures I've to attend. At the end of the day, I found myself being overwhelmed by guilt for not doing anything productive again.

This is so sick. Sometimes, I even think that such kind of existence is just really not necessary to the world. The only thing that I could ever think of contributing is to give up my still usefull organs and stop wasting the earth's resources; in another word DIE.

No. It's not like people who are sad and depressed and wanted to end their life because of something tragic. It's even worse. Cause there's just nothing there. NOTHING. The emptiness is so unbearable you forgot that you actually exist in this world sometimes, until you really do start to fade away in this world. Which is why it much easier to live your life true others by indulging in their world through youtube and other equivalent mediums.

That is my one true fear: a forgotten existence in this world. Perhaps that is why also I acted like a complete dork at home, being loud and moronic, just so that the people dearest to me won't forget me that easily. Gosh, this is something to sound like something a character from Naruto would said. But, it's real. I'm sure the author who have created those characters (think Naruto and Gara) have felt the same too.

It's amazing how age can bring people down to this kind of pessimism. I know I always tell my friends and family positive philosophical stuffs to cheer them up at times when they are down, so this is realy contradicting to what I've said. But sitting here, in front of my laptop, it's as if if I don't type this out right now, I'll never get a chance again to do so, and the vicious cycle will come and haunt me continuosly, until one day I finally lose it.

Perhaps it's time to see a psychiatrist. But what would he/she said if I say the core of my problem is actually nothing? Now that's interesting...